Asperger’s Syndrome, A husband’s Perspective
(A post by Mr. Aspie Writer)
My wife asked me to write a brief blog post for our anniversary. I was shocked and honored. Shocked that she would ask me to contribute to her blog and honored that she would include me in this very personal part of her life. Her writing is part of the means by which she is using to define who she herself is. So when asked to be included, it really means to me, that I am being allowed to be included in herself in a very real, very personal way.
You might say, well aren’t you taking this a little too literally? Welcome to the world of Asperger’s Syndrome. Aspies are very literal minded. Innuendo’s and phrases wrapped in dual meanings are difficult to comprehend, since in their mind, it is a form of dishonesty. Aspies almost always say what they mean and mean what they say. Period.
What does a woman with Asperger’s Syndrome look like?
I would first like to say that when considering Asperger’s Syndrome, you must realize that it is a form of Autism. But if you have any preconceived notions of what an Autistic person should look or act like, go ahead and toss those out right now. I can tell you after fifteen years of marriage to an Aspie, they’re all completely wrong. There is NO way to tell an Autistic person by simply looking at them.
It took me fifteen years to realize my wife had Asperger’s. And initially it was based on a joke. I saw a character in a movie that had Asperger’s and I saw in that character so many of my wife’s traits. I said, “Look, that girl is you personified!” To which something clicked in my wife and she realized, that just maybe I was right. (So in retrospect, it was one of the few times in our marriage that my wife could say I was right about something!)
My wife is a beautiful, intelligent, extremely loyal and devoted person. If looking at her for the first time, you would not say there goes a person with Asperger’s. You would say, wow how could I get her number?
My wife is literally the most intelligent person I know. She has a seemingly inexhaustible ability to retain information. She remembers everything she hears and most of what she reads. (Try winning an argument with someone who NEVER forgets one word you have ever said). She can research something so completely, that she will OWN the subject. Again try winning an argument with someone who can remember every facet of something she’s researched.
“She danced to the beat of her own drum…”
When we first met fifteen years ago, part of what initially attracted me to her (besides the fact that she is incredibly hot), was that she was independent and didn’t seem to care what other people thought or said. She danced to the beat of her own drum so to speak. I didn’t realize until much later that there was no level of compromise in this.
For example, some people may realize that their partner/boyfriend/fiancé/spouse likes them to look a certain way or is attracted to a certain fashion or style on the opposite sex. My wife almost always wore sweats and a tee with her hair pulled back, or if coming from work in a dance studio, a short skirt, high heels and a leotard top. If she was picking me up from church after work, she would come in her work clothes, which while sexy and showed off her toned legs and ample bosom, was probably inappropriate for a church setting.
When coming to pick me up from my job, where I wore a shirt and tie, she would almost always come in sweats and a tee because she was not coming from work in her “work uniform.”
When I asked why she couldn’t change before she met me so we could go out, she said, “we can go out like this, I’m comfortable. These clothes are nice and soft and I don’t mind going anywhere in them.” At first, I merely thought that she didn’t care enough about my feelings on the subject to compromise on it.
What became obvious later was that it wasn’t that she didn’t care. It was that any other material except that used in the outfits she wore, irritated her skin so badly, it would be like wearing an outfit made from sandpaper. She could not compromise on it.
Sensory Processing Disorder
One of my wife’s “symptoms” is that she has hyper-senses. (Sensory Processing Disorder). She has incredibly acute senses of touch, smell, taste, hearing, and is very sensitive to light. She can hear the filaments buzzing in fluorescent tubes. She can smell the scents held in a carpet that most of us would miss entirely. She can taste odors and if in a restaurant, she can taste individual spices and recreate the dish at home. She has to use red or brown tinted sunglasses outside so she can see, and she has to use ear plugs almost all day to minimize the chaos of all the information her brain processes.
While some of these things can be great (re-creating meals I like from restaurants), they can still make living day to day a real struggle and challenge. It is hard, when you are tired, after a long day of work, to have to come home and put my tiredness aside and remind myself to consider her way of processing things when talking to her and more importantly when listening to her. Try to come home to a woman who can hear the trash truck four blocks away, and who just spent the day with a thirteen year old, an eight year old and an eighteen month old all running amok all day.
Try constantly trying to tell those same children that mommy needs to have some peace and quiet in order not to have a meltdown. And then try to have to reassure your wife that she shouldn’t feel guilty about needing some peace and quiet when she has three boys. And all this after a long day at work.
Life can be hard–Is your Aspie worth it?
Something to take away from this may be a bit obvious but I think it needs to be reinforced. You chose to be with your Aspie. If you married her, whether or not you knew at the time what you were getting into, remember, that she is worth fighting for! If you are in a relationship, one thing I’ve learned is that Aspie women are fiercely loyal. And they expect that same loyalty to be returned. And she, more than any other woman you probably know, is worth the fight.
COMMUNICATE with her. Let her know in no uncertain terms what you are feeling and why. Then help her to find a situation that you know she’s been in which made her feel similar to what you are feeling. This will help her understand and relate to your feelings better. Aspies are not the unfeeling machines which the media makes them out to be. In fact they feel EVERYTHING twenty times more intensely than you do. Mostly the problem comes in their realizing why you may feel as you do and responding in a manner that you may feel is more appropriate.
And finally learn all you can about Aspergers. Some great books, which are easy to read and understand are “Aspergirls” and “22 Things a Woman with Asperger’s Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know”, by Rudy Simone. These are two books which helped shed tremendous amounts of light on the subject for me. They helped to see things from their perspective and made it easier for me to look at the world through my wife’s beautiful eyes.
Ask yourself, if it’s hard for you to relate to her, how much harder is it for her to relate to you? You may know your reasons for doing and feeling whatever you do, but do you think it makes sense to her? Ask her and find out.
Can you really say you are trying to understand her and her Asperger’s? What have you done to do so? What more can you do?
UPDATED JAN. 2013: Since Mr. Aspie Writer wrote this post he has decided to begin his own blog to share his experiences being married to an Aspie (Me). To read more about marriage and asperger’s syndrome from an NT husband perspective, check out his new blog, My Aspie Wife.
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I suspect I’m on the spectrum. I have synesthesia and that is related. My husband gets so frustrated at me for not “putting myself in his shoes” or apologizing when I did nothing wrong. Life can be so very confusing.
NT’s marrying aspies…..married but single.
I’m only 12 but my mum and brother both think I have asperger’s and i’ve heard things like ‘people with asperger’s can’t have an intiminate relationship and reading this really made me happy and have hope for my future.
I was extremely put off by how much you valued her physical appearance. I don’t need to hear about her ample bosom and toned legs because those shouldn’t matter. It put me off and I couldn’t help but laugh at the women who actually cried from that tripe. Maybe refrain from the sexism next time, eh?
It’s his wife…… sexual objectification is actually desired and healthy (by all genders) when love and respect come first. So, why is this a problem?
He was making a point, that it may not be appropriate for church, but that she didn’t seem to think about that. He wasn’t be sexist, it’s more about what the church would see as inappropriate.
I bet your wife really appreciates the effort you put in to keep yourself informed.
This made me cry and you know why, thank you.
Good article. I am learning as much as I can about aspies as I am recently finding out my wife and my teen daughter both have it.
It has been very hard with very few rewards from my wife (when I say few as in a complete lack of intimacy, constant bullying, a lack of understanding….for last several years).
My daughter for the most part does not talk to me, (unless something is needed) and shows little to no respect for me.
They seem to have a black and white view on things, issues with anxiety. And it is imposible to make them happy. I am about done ready to throw in the towel and divorce myself from them her especially. At times I feel the symptons of Aspies is pure evil in how it has affected me.
I want to help, but how. Daughter goes to counseling, wife refuses. And I know I need it for my self, and have started.
I have been with my husband for 12 years now and it has been nothing but hard. We have 3 children that we love which we suspect two to be asperger. When we started our relationship, I was always thinking that he was kind of a “bitchy princess” (I know, its horrible…) and that I always had to hold his hand for everything. I was annoyed and always hurt. We stayed together because (and I think that… maybe not my husband) That we were dealing with issues like: I am French Canadien, form Quebec (total deferent culture and my first language is French) and he is American from California… We bought and renovated a house, he could not stand winter… we moved into another province…then moved to California. Anyway, I always thought we were just going through hard times and he could not handle anything. He would criticize me on every single thing I would do, from cooking to the choice of my pants. He always lectured me on how I should do or say things. I felt like I was always being put down and always being the one doing concessions about everything.
Less then a year ago, after a major fight and seing that he really was loosing it with me. He gave me the ultimatum to get seen by a specialist or to leave. My heart was sick, my brain was in disbelieved that he could say such a think and I hated him and hated him and wanted him to be gone forever. I saw a specialist and I had my diagnoses. Turns out, the whole time, I was creating the problems (or a major part of it) I am an aspie and I did not know. Although I always felt different and always was struggling in the past, I did not know. Now, my marriage is falling appart. I accept my condition and I want to take responsibility for it but he has been so hurt (and he is right) that no mater what I say or do, I fail. He is convinced I am not trying and that I am being voluntary malicious. I completely feel powerless, miserable and GUILTY. I am also mortified with the idea of him making sure I leave and dont get to be with the children. He already told me I was destroying EVERYBODY’s lives and that I could not do anything. He wont let me do the grocery shopping (he says I cannot handle money), he takes care of more things about the children and excludes me all the time, he barely talks to me, he drinks outside the house, with a book every nigh and if I try to talk to him I only feel like I am bothering him and that he just hates me. All my life, all I wanted was to be happy and here I am, staying alive only because I love my children. I also opened a business just before my diagnose and now it is hell to try to keep up that new business and to try to fix (without any improvement) my marriage. I get no validation, affection, support… NOTHING. and I feel he is so right and so wrong too! and I want to take him in my arms and take away his pain but I am completely blocked in my head. I go to therapy but things need to change NOW. I dont know how.. I wish he could see all the good in me and not treat me like the lowest life he encountered… This is from far the hardest time of my life and he is waiting for something to come out of my mouth, and I still dont know what to tell him… and of course, I am still messing up everything around me now that I am aware of what I can cause!
Hi, Just wrote on your husband’s blog. I too married and Aspergirl and we made one more. It was somehow important to know I wasn’t alone. It can feel that way at times, even after 17 years.I think the hard part is that there is never an easy part. There is never a day where I don’t have to think or consider, and sometimes I just get tired of being the one to understand. I am grown up enough to know I’m not perfect either, far from it, but hearing “can’t change” “never stops” can be very depressing. I guess I need to be better at communicating. Again thanks for just being there
Very informative. I have a wonderful woman aspie I need understand better and this has helped.
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I dated a woman with Asperger’s a few years back. However, at the time, I did not know that she and her son both were Aspies, and quite frankly, I had little knowledge of Aspergers. My NOT knowing caused the relationship to fail.
My biggest concern has her shutdowns. They would seem (at the time) to come out of nowhere but looking back, they tended to come prior or after a social gathering. Or sometimes after a long day of hiking or spending time together. Her first shutdown scared me because she just sat staring blankly at the wall and would not acknowledge me. (I truly thought she was having a medical condition and almost called an ambulance). When she came around, I questioned what was wrong. She seemed surprised that I would ask and she said nothing was wrong at all. This happened several times over the relationship and not know what was going on, I would ask questions. She would always say everything was fine. Then came the first meltdown which I was blindsided with. She and her son stayed in my guest room and she woke up one morning and started screaming at me about the wall paper in my house. I had no clue what the heck was going on. At that point, I ended the relationship.
After the breakup, I was pretty torn up and spoke to some friends that had met her. They told me immediately that they noticed that she and her son had all the symptoms of Aspergers. I started studying the subject and it was text book. I then felt so guilty for not knowing at the time what was going on.
Looking back, I think she was in denial or just did not know. I do wish I would have known going into the relationship about it. I think with a better understanding at my end, we would have been able to continue seeing each other.
I realises a few month ago that my ex girlfriend was an aspie.
She was also undeniably kind and genuine, caring and loyal. sometimes witty in a silly sort of way.
But her reactions were ever so slightly off kilter. Logical. Pointed. She seemed like a perfectionist, unable to relax.
Had I known at the start of our relationship it would’ve saved a ton of heartache.
You try to make up for the intangible disconnect with extra affection, and by trying to prove yourself worthy in other ways. I almost had a nervous breakdown. My confidence hit the floor.
looking back, realizing she was an aspie, I feel validation – I wasn’t crazy after all.
I am full of regret, that I didn’t realize sooner. That I may have made life difficult for her, expecting NT interaction, and being – toward the end of our relationship – angry when I didn’t recieve it.
I am full of admiration for her, as she must suffer in life more than most, yet she gets on with it.
William, I just posted an almost identical story to yours! Did she ever identicate to you that she was an Aspy?
I think the same thing happened to me. Almost exactly.
Sonia, I can relate very much to you as my husband lives and does all the same things you described. My husband has not been diagnosed as he refuses to go see anyone and says ‘it’s all in MY head.’ I’ve already tried to discuss this topic to find help with certain of his siblings and his mother but they ignore what I say and push it under the rug. My best hope for myself is to pray and put it into Our Blessed Lord’s Hands that I will gain a better understanding and compassion toward my husband.
I’ll pray for you and your family as well – just remember, you are especially loved by myself who truly understands what you are going through. May God bless you Sonia and always know that God made you a special person to place you in this area to help your husband.
My wife has asperges and we have been having a very hard time communicating. I have tried explaining why I feel the way I feel and given her situations where she felt the same way, but she reacts very aggressively and defensively at the same time; yelling, calling me names, and making very ugly posts about me on social media. I am repeatedly told that she doesn’t actually mean the things that she says, but they feel meant and cut deep. I am at the point of asking for a divorce, because I am tired of feeling abused. Do you have any advice?
I was diagnosed with a mild case of Asperger’s, and have blown off the symptoms and focused primarily on my comorbid disorders – not the Asperger’s. So in reading this, I’ve found that part of my problem in relationships, is due to my AS tendencies, as well as the person who has to deal with me. This really gives me some insight on the subject, because I was only diagnosed as a girl with a mild case. If I do a great deal of what someone who has a more severe case does, then maybe the diagnosis and my actions as an Aspie are more relevant than I thought they were. Thank you so much for posting this!
Thank u for sharing. I’d like to add: my husband has aspergers. While very smart, artistic & helpful, he has also been dishonest, unfaithful, & very neglectful in relationship. So stereotypes of aspies are loyal or can’t lie are misleading. True they can be rigid which can equal black & white honesty but ironically I’m the bluntly honest one, while he is very inward w/ his perspective thus if he doesn’t relate well, or feels anxious or overwhelmed, he chose “escape” w/ addictions, lies, self centered vices w/o empathy for how damaging it is to me. Then trying to recover from yrs of neglect & betrayals, counselors can be sympathetic for the quiet seemingly meek one, while the traumatized exhausted one is left invisible, untreated. Possibly is dual diagnosis w/ addictive behaviors but just FYI in case anyone as a partner needs more support than reading just “understand the Aspie.” It can lead to fatigue, depression, like relational starvation (see intimacy anorexia), chronic stress, even causing health issues. And often the Aspie appears normal or just a little “different” to others, which is more isolating or like a crazy-making mind game, for the partner who has real unmet needs, hurts, struggles & tiredness but often not believed or misunderstood (See Cassandra syndrome)
It is every spouse’s duty to understand each other; we all have something to recover from, manage or improve, & a syndrome does not exonerate one from the role to understand, care, partner well, though it may be more challenging & take more concrete things to practice empathy. I find if I help my husband understand, he has higher than average emotional ability, but he can choose to seek that understanding. He writes reminders on his arm to help him communicate more relationally. I don’t care how quirky things need to be if it means it helps the relationship. I am the empath w/ heightened senses, ADD, OCD, PTSD & need help & support too. It is important to explain your needs & feelings clearly, try to have expectations w/in their processing ability. But also they can choose to break inward habits & seek understanding, think aloud, ask more questions, be more inclusive etc so both are trying to support the other & meet ea other’s needs. In any relationship, Aspie or neurotypical, you should look for appreciating the positives & seek to sacrificially give where they needs to be compromise, but it should be mutual so 1 isn’t left unfairly just a caretaker but unflourishing themselves. It’s also important to get support outside whether in groups, church, friends… Thanks again. God bless.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. We all have different experiences, both good and bad. One thing I could add is that you are correct and both spouses need to work on a give and take and adequately express their needs and wants to each other. With that said, and of course I do not know your circumstance, but ensure to make your own needs and feelings known without assuming that the other person just “gets” it and does nothing about it. There is a real possibility that your partner will not know what you need unless you tell him in explicit detail (of course, as I’ve said you might have already done this, I don’t know your circumstances.) It is my hope that your partner wants for you to be happy too. I can tell you from my experience, my husband DOES NOT ALWAYS tell me when he feels something is wrong, and this has been a long standing very annoying thing from my perspective. Don’t tell me you’ve been feeling a certain way for a long time, or annoyed at something for a long time! Tell me when it happens, so we can address it. Do not let it fester and then blindside me with something that I had no idea was wrong. You see, if I think something is wrong, I will tell you, why would you not tell me right away also? Does that make sense? I hope it did. Just wanted to share that tid bit because it comes up in our house EVEN AFTER 19 YEARS OF MARRIAGE. And make no mistake, marriage is hard, I believe for everyone –worth it, but WORK for all regardless of our neurology.
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Thank you so much for sharing your perspective, It was like reading something my husband would write about me. It was wonderful to read how he might feel about being with me for so long, you cleared up things I had doubts about. I can´t hardly wait to read your blog. Greetings from Mexico
What was the title of the movie and the characters name that reminded you of your wife? I’d like to watch it!
Thanks for blogging on the subject. I suffer from ADD and I’m married to a wonderful Aspie woman. We are just over 2 1/2 years into our journey together, along with her 11 year old boy with ADHD, and a yet seemingly NT, 20 Month old baby girl we have in common.
Most blogs I have come across are in my wife’s native language (German), and it is nice to find some good ones in English.
The stories I have read parallel our own in so many ways, that sometimes it feels as if I had written them myself; which is very comforting. It makes us feel like we are not the only ones on this roller coaster ride.
So thanks again for telling your story, and keep’em coming.
It seems there is a planet for us after all. 😛
Thanks for reading! For more of my husband’s stories, you can check out his blog as well at http://www.myaspiewife.wordpress.com
I must say, after reading what you wrote I had to write. I read this story a psychiatrist wrote that she was treating all of these people and one patient was going to go to living assisted center because of her decline, but her kids mentioned to the psychiatrist that their mom was having her house renovation and they found tons of black mold . The lady was sick from black poisoning which is a biotoxins illness, and the psychiatrist became educated on what mold did to the body and mind and she realized that many of her patient had black mold poisoning!, Mold is a biotoxin illness it also causes, heighten hearing, smelling, light sensitivity, and someone that cannot tolerate any sort of environmental stimulus overload, because the CNS is amped up . It is so much more complex that this, but just so your sure about your wife condition. Wouldn’t it is be a odd if your wife has black mold poisoning, and just needs to be treated. I had many symptoms sound , smell light, sensitivity, brain fog, touch sensitivity. and many other symptoms .After treatment for six months I’m normal
My wife has apergers. Very difficult to have sex because of her acute senses (smells, sounds, and doesn’t like being caressed). I can deal with everything else. Her socializing with her family only, not understanding someone else’s point of view (she will always be right) and sees things black and white. No gray areas in life. I just have a hard time being rejected physically as her spouse. I do like the fiercely loyal and intelligent part though and she always says it how it is. Wow, 13 years of marriage and all the struggles we have had. After 12 I finally figured out she is Aspie because our son is too. She doesn’t realize she has aspergers. Is that important? It is very upsetting to her when I point out her symptoms.. .
I am sorry you are having this difficulty. I find that my sense of smell, hearing and touch has increasing become more sensitive as I get older, which may also be happening with your wife. Smells are the number one thing that will make me want to just stay on my side of the room and become “uninterested.” Also a gentle caressing touch is using like someone wiping sandpaper across my skin–the whole caressing thing is very uncomfortable, bothersome, and often painful. It is usually much more comfortable with a firm touch–no wispy touches. You may want to try aroma therapy type things at home…figure out her preferences in smell (for instance I hate vanilla scents but love fruity or peppermint smells) and light candles or use the infusers. Good smells can go a long way in creating comfort, which is really what you are going for. If anxiety is an issue–does she like to read, or do puzzles–adult coloring books are awesome! Some stress reliving activities before “bed,” could help as well.
As far as her knowing about the Asperger’s–I think that is VERY important. Before I knew, I took everything my husband was struggling with soooo personally, and so did he! After discovery, all that changed! The best thing I did was read read read and read some more. Pretending to be Normal, by LeeAnn Wiley Holiday, Aspergirls by Rudy Simone, among others not only helped me to see and understand myself, but also inspired me to write my book–Twirling Naked in the Streets and No One Noticed. Having a son with Asperger’s is the perfect gateway to introduce some of these wonderful books to her, and maybe she will see the Aspie in herself–but warning it needs to be HER discovery. Your pointing them out may make her reject the idea more–it did for me, until I realized the truth on my own. I hope I was at least a little bit helpful.
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A couple of day’s ago I’ve learned that the love of my life has Asperger. You’re blog made me cry. This could be my story and I want to thank you for the sharing.
My husband has Asperger’s. It took me almost twenty years to find out about his condition. I finally could read him. However, being a NT woman married to an Aspie might be really tough because we usually look for love, comfort and protection in a man, but when it comes to Aspies they don’t show their feelings, they don’t want to be touched, they are too concentrated on their activities to look after you. In my husband’s case, he hates being interrupted in his activities, it makes him confused and he may start yelling and it is loud. Many things can make him angry. Like your wife, he doesn’t care what people say about his outfit, but he also does’nt care if people are watching him yell at me in publlic places. I guess, being the husband of an Aspie can be much easier than being the wife. But I keep telling my/his family about his condition in order to find help and comfort, but they don’t believe me, it’s a waste of time.
I have adult ADD and my lovely wife is an Aspie. I was initially attracted by the fact that she clearly was not taking the world in – in the same way as most folk. I can really relate to your Blog Post, thank you for sharing so openly. Its actually quite easy to forget that my wife is an Aspie, yet when I fall back into thinking I can relate to her at the “usual” level, I am usually abruptly reminded I am dealing with an altogether different kind of human being. You have reminded me to take stock of the many AMAZING aspects of her wonderful and mysterious self and all that she brings to our marriage that no NT woman ever could. I am especially grateful for the book recommendations. I will also read your wife’s book. Years back when I first looked online for the perspective of a man married to an Aspie Woman, I found zip, I am glad I re-checked today!!
I am married to an Aspie and my son is too. It has been a rewarding and sometimes frustrating journey but would do it again!
People with Asperger’s are loyal and everyone wants someone to be loyal to them versus someone normal and loyal, despite that they are sociable. Often, people who socialize a lot are seen as disloyal and untrustworthy which is why people with AS are more desired as spouses.
Being male asperger is even worse since people are more harsh because I think I something with sexual attraction
Hi its been a long road for me of understanding Aspersers’ and how I can be frustrated by it and how my partner can be also frustrated understanding why the world revolves in a certain way. It was only through the diagnosis of my, now 9 year old, son that we realised she had all the traits associated with this. He is very bright,loving,honest child you could ever meet, but here itself lies the difference.
Asperger people, as I can only say from my own experience,see everything in black and white, to them there should be no reason for a lie or if there is something they don’t like,or someone, they will say it as to deny this is very very hard to them.
Aspie people can be as happy with there own company and will methodically process information that they feel is important for them.
My 9 old will tell me he loves me,as a matter of fact, daily but he will expect an immediate response or he will remember this.
My partner will remember every detailed mistake or word i said in an argument but will not remember what she said, so arguing your point can be a challenge.
Aspies will be the most loyal and devoted person but can the be the most distant as well.
During times of hurt or stress they will have to emotional detach themselves from other people or situations close to them, not because they are emotional cold because its the only way they can function.
Not been an Aspie and loving 2 of your family for their uniqueness has its daily challenges and can be a lonely trip
That is probably the nicest thing I’ve read any man say about his wife. Refreshing and beautiful.
I wish you both all the best.
Thank you Jodie!
Wow I am an aspie woman too! I don’t have all the same traits you do but upon research you all should know not every aspie is the same. I have been trying to get my fiance to read things too and understand me because it’s really hard some days especially when he’s being sarcastic all the time and I can’t read it. It frustrates me. I have my own blog I have been writing in.
I have also since found out one of my best friends thinks she might be an aspie too. We both agree she has signs and symptoms and it sure does explain some of why we get a long so well.
i know this is a year old but i have just found it and its as if you have written it about my wife. it always gives me a good feeling when I read stuff like this because its like somebody finally just gets us.
Jeanie is lucky.
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I’ve sent this blog post to my husband. I have the feeling that it will resonate with him. 🙂
Thank you for reading, I hope that your hubby enjoys the post 🙂
I wish my husband took the time to understand me. It is so very frustrating when neither of us understand the other as our communication is just not there. Much of the time, he thinks I purposely do things to make him angry. He doesn’t respect any of my needs when it comes to Aspergers and things like my being overloaded with sensory input. I wear earplugs at night and have to have pillows around me and my blanket wrapped around me. My husband has said he feels like I take up the whole bed. He likes his sheets and blankets flat over him. Not me. He sees it as me trying to avoid intimacy. I do admit I have difficult with that too, even though we have been married going on 13 years and have two boys. Often, I feel so alone in everything. You are so lucky to have such a caring and understanding husband.
We are not without our difficulties that is for sure!
Hubby says that he is going to downgrade me from a King size bed to a Full because I sleep too far away, and if I keep it up he is taking away my big bed! Not cool. LOL
I too have a pillow wall between us and I need space. I am NOT a cuddler! Then I usually have my earplugs in, my kindle propped up on my pillow wall and the blankets all over the place. Also, I hate to have my legs or feet trapped, so though I need the blankets, I can’t have the on my feet! Drives him nuts.
I had to laugh when I saw that you two were together for 15 years before anyone knew anything about Aspergers. We can relate to that! 🙂
Many things now make sense! Well, as much sense as we can make out of them anyway. I do wish I knew sooner–life may not have been easier, but it may have been less confusing.
Thanks you so much Kim for your kind words. It has been a long hard road, one on which are really just beginning to walk down. Things are not perfect of course, but trying to take it one day at a time and doing the best we can for eachother and our children is all we can do. I can’t say it will be easier now that we know what my “problem” is now, but at least it is a point to begin understanding.
Mr. Aspie is a very talented writer, as well. He makes it clearly understood what you go through, what he goes through, and how you two make a relationship work.
Bipolar can be similar in the sensory overload, agitation/irritation/anger, and the need for peace and quiet to avoid a meltdown. Unfortunately, my husband didn’t get it. On my own now, I’m much more stable than when we were at odds over my symptoms and my need for support.
Bless you both for being so loyal to one another, and so committed to working through what could simply dissolve so many other people!
Wow. Wow. Does this guy have any single brothers? I am so in love with your husband!!! I love every word of this post, thank you so much!
Thank you. I have to admit lots of time I feel guilty because I feel like he got the short end of the stick, ya know? But that is just my insecurities about my deficits talking. He does continually remind me of my strengths and encourage me. I imagine it is exhausting…exhaustion is something I sure can relate to.
Then there are times when I am angry all the time, when I feel resentful that I am always in the house and how no one in the world to talk to…I can actually feel resentful that he gets to leave for 10 hours a day and go to work… but the truth is, I don’t know how far I would have made it without his support.
There are so many who have no support at all. Yes–I wish I had more, some family around, some friends would be nice (yes world us Aspies do want friends), but my boys and I would be completely alone with him. He is a rare-breed indeed, and for that I am thankful.
I feel the same way about my husband. I have alexithymia and the BEST way to express how I feel is to look for articles online that best describe how I feel from an ASD standpoint. This time with your husband’s article I hope he understands that I know how he feels I just can’t express it. Our argument today was how he doesn’t understand why when I get emotionally overwhelmed he shouldn’t ask me why right away. Because I can’t take it I need to decompress and come back to the question later. He feels I tie his hands when all I want him to do is wait.
You all are dreaming. My aspie wife has destroyed our family. How could you think they are capable of enough empathy to raise children. It is tragic and the sooner you get out the sooner you will find sanity.