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High Functioning My Ass-perger’s Part II: Massive Sensory Overload and Major Meltdown

Is it sensory overload, executive dysfunction, or plain old Stress?

Lately I have been trying to figure myself out—again. The more I learn about Autism and how my brain works, the more I understand why I have difficulties in certain areas. I feel like I have the most difficulty keeping up with the business of everyday living.
The housework, the kids, homework, getting to school on time, paying the bills—Did I mention paying the bills?
These are the things that appear to be easy for everyone else in the world, but I can’t manage them! I look around at other women who have their homes in order and feel ashamed. This has been a tremendous source of self-loathing and guilt my entire life…
I’ve been trying to look at myself through different eyes since I’ve discovered my Asperger’s may be the culprit. I have been trying to figure out a way for me to do what I am good at and compensate for what I am not. In this way, maybe, I can begin to feel worthwhile, and forgive myself for being unable. I haven’t succeeded—not yet anyway.

Hire Help!

Hiring someone to handle the financing, someone else to deep clean the house once a week, and putting the baby in daycare for a couple of days per week sounds like the solution, but unfortunately, I cannot afford such luxuries.
I’m angry that I have been trying to balance a budget, stay out of debt, and get ahead financially for years only now to realize that I may be working toward and impossible goal. Dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, homework, car pools, doctor appointments, dental cleanings, oil changes, and anything that requires regular maintenance is damned near impossible for me to master. Is this an executive functioning issue? I think so, but it is more than that.
None of these things are narrowly focused and task oriented. They all call out to me at once, don’t take turns speaking or wait in line. They all need my attention—NOW! And, now I’m overloaded.
The tasks act very much like all the sensory stimuli that causes an overload, and the end result often the same—OVERLOAD = HELPLESSNESS = MELTDOWN = ANGER = LOSS OF CONTROL AND/OR OPTIMAL PERFORMANCE AND ABILITIES.

Sensory Overload

I experienced this last night: sensory overload when trying to accomplish budgeting and paying bills. There were too many bills, too little money, and they all needed my attention—NOW!
My famous foot-flapping began followed by my hand, and the headache. A headache that felt like a sweatband two sizes too small was wrapped around my forehead.  I felt dizzy, the room spun—mayday; it was near crash time.
I was either going to meltdown or shutdown, but one thing is for sure, something was coming. Colors meshed into one another. I looked down at my black flip flops and watched it blur out of focus. The straps melted into the black rubber leaving only a black puddle on the floor.
“Crap!” I don’t think my words were audible.

“My husband was talking but I couldn’t hear the words.”

My head felt heavy, my body weighted down as if under a thick heavy wet blanket. Sleep—I need sleep. My husband was talking but I didn’t hear the words.
After staring at him and trying to figure out what he was saying, I asked him to stop speaking, and start over. He did. Three times I made him stop and start over to tell me what he was saying from the beginning, until finally I gave up. I could not hear his words; they were not processing.
I heard sounds, and parts of words like when someone is talking to you on a cellphone and every other syllable is cutting in and out. That is what I was “hearing,” and worse I couldn’t make out a single sentence.

Selective Mutism

Panicked I tried to articulate, but my words caught in my throat. I golf ball sized lump held back the words… (not a physical lump). Selective Mutism is what they call it, when you cannot talk for a time.  I hate that term—I didn’t friggin select this!
When the words finally stuttered out they were jumbled. This is one of my classic signs of severe overload.  The jumbling words—I will mean to ask for a banana, and the word orange will come out. Or, I’ll say, “I want to finish my hot dog.” But I was eating a pork chop. Yes—both of these are real examples that have happened. It seems to me that my overloaded brain is pulling words from a familiar filing cabinet drawer (bananas and oranges are both fruit, and hot dogs and pork chops both meat), but then it is selecting the wrong word. In my mind I am thinking “banana” but my mouth says “orange” anyway. Why this happens is a mystery to me.
Finally hubby grabbed a pen and wrote down (IN EXTRA LARGE LETTERS) what he was trying to tell me.  He wanted me to go and lie down. I, of course, stubbornly didn’t want to. I wanted to record what was happening. He handed me a pen and this is what I wrote:
adult asperger's meltdowns and sensory overload

Words…jumbled…some spelled incorrectly…

My fine motor skills were “off” because the writing looks like a child wrote it.  And my husband says this was the third attempt and the first two were illegible.  Incidentally, the motor skills get this way when I am overloaded and can manifest itself by my taking turns a bit too wide when I am driving, bumping the curb with my back tire and having to reposition the van several times when I am trying to get straight into a parking space. Maybe that is more perception or depth perception?
I spent the rest of the evening, at least two hours, trying to calm down. I tinkered on the computer, read a book for a while, and tried desperately to remain isolated (ear plugs in, of course).
In the end, I did not completely regain control over my sensory processing. My speech was “off”, the dark room was too bright, and the blood rushing through my ears too loud. Even my taste buds were wrong because simple buttered crackers tasted funny.

Rest and Re-boot

Finally, I gave up, took 800mg of Motrin for my aching neck and head, and 5mg of Melatonin to try to fall asleep in the hopes that sleep would allow my body to re-boot before morning. It didn’t, not completely. This may be an overload meltdown that will take a few days to normalize from, but at least now I partially have my answer. These particular tasks, the ones which overwhelm, actually over stimulate and ultimately overload me. The result: Massive Sensory Overload and Major Meltdown.
Simply telling me that I must try harder and do better in these areas is like asking me to run down the block with no leg, and then chastising me for not getting there fast enough! Had I been in a wheelchair no one would ask me to run down the block, but because my difficulties are mostly “invisible” and I look “normal” I am expected to run. After all…“Asperger’s is mild high-functioningform of Autism.” Isn’t it???

 

Jeannie Davide-Rivera

Jeannie is an award-winning author, the Answers.com Autism Category Expert, contributes to Autism Parenting Magazine, and the Thinking Person's Guide to Autism. She lives in New York with her husband and four sons, on the autism spectrum.

8 Comments:

  1. Keep writing, you are describing my son/ maybe my husband… Oh how I miss your insights… there are few people out there speaking from the INSIDE of an ASD’s head. I need more. OMG errands wipe out my son… and hes only riding. Leaving for school and his therapies takes SO much out of him… the next days are screwed up. he schools online through a charter school. So in my short jaunt of reading you right now, I have run into the Sun on skin and temp regualtion thing, the driving (errands/leaving) thing… It gets worse with age thing.. and the overload thing… Please guide me to where I can read EVERYTING you have… You are living in my world… my son’s world and I keep trying to understand and help him. Please keep writing Jeannie… We need your insight… it is INVALUABLE.

    • Hi Rhonda,

      You can read right here on my blog. The search function is the best way to find different subjects. I even search when I’m looking for something I’ve already wrote about…because I even forget what I said, and how I was feeling at the time. Many times I will re-read what I wrote two years ago in order to remind myself what I SAID! Kind of a way of smacking myself in the head.

      I kept hoping to write a follow-up book…but cant’ seem to do it. I have more than 400 articles on my website that I keep MEANING to put together in some fashion to release focused e-books, but alas I fail at that too. There is sooooo much I want to get to, and continually not make it there. Of course, I KNOW that I have more things on my plate, and to-do wish lists than probably anyone can do in one lifetime, but can’t seem to stop! Then I have a terrible time prioritizing what I REALLY want to work on.

      I am currently working on several fictional novels….and on my Master’s in English -but am switching to an MFA in Writing Popular Fiction. And though all this I have lost touch with this blog, and with putting myself and feelings out there. I need to do this, but it is soo hard.

      Rhonda, errands are the WORST! There are days that just the idea of leaving the house and running errands is too much to even contemplate. They are so exhausting, and therapies, meeting with people, school meetings, IEP’s, doctor’s offices, teachers..it all takes a lot out of me, and the boys too! Thing of it this way, for every ONE HOUR we spend around others…even if it is errands, we need an equal amount of time by ourselves regrouping. This could mean playing, reading, painting, accomplishing–thing special interests. Is it realistic to have an equal amount of hours AND STILL SLEEP, no probably not, but doesn’t change the fact that we need it. I hope that makes sense. If I go too long, and too many days, I fail to reboot at night and wake up in the morning just as overwhelmed, and overstimulated as the moment I fell asleep.

  2. Why 5 mg of melatonin? It works better when you use less.

    • I think this like everything else, is dependent on the individual. For me, 5 mg isn’t even enough I don’t get any benefit until I had about 10 mg. However, others 1 mg works better than five. I think we all need to figure out what works for us. But just knowing that there isn’t anyone correct or better dosage, I don’t think, for everyone.

  3. Hi there, I’m an aspie Mom, only diagnosed lately and still trying to find out what it’s all about. My son has Asperger’s a lot more pronounced. I’m also not too goood with computers that doesn’t help matters. This is the first blog I find about writing difficulties and AS!From the day of the diagnosis I have asked this question: Is my and my sons difficulty to write in certain situations (missing syllables, miss-spelling even though we “know” how to spell) connected with AS? The doc here (in Germany) says “no”. If you have any reading tipps for us about this or any information to share, I’d be really grateful. I don’t have a google account but am going to ask how to set one up so maybe you can mail me or just reply on here? THank you so much! Anna

    • Hi Anna,

      You can always feel free to contact me on here, or email, whichever you prefer. I am not completely sure if the difficulties are AS related, but I am incline to think that in some instances it is.

      Reading and writing difficulties have been long documented in children with Asperger’s; although, this is not the case for all children with AS. For me, I was a self-taught reader (hyperlexic). I knew how to read and write before I entered school. But, for my Aspie son, it is a totally different story. He had a terrible time learning to read, and his writing (with pencil in hand) is still challenging.

      Another thing that may be causing difficulty is stress and overload. As you can see here, although, I am a writer and have no difficulty reading and writing; I had great difficulties when I was in complete overload. Prolonged stressful situation will overload me, and sometimes I will not even realize I am overloaded until I have difficulty getting my words out. All this is to say, that there may be many different things at play here.

      In the next couple of weeks I will look at and share the techniques that helped me teach my son to read. (I had to take him out of public school and homeschool him to teach him to read.)

  4. i think this is the first time ive read about selective mutism and thought “hey wait, i do that too!”

    i thought in my life there are no times when i CANT talk. but there ARE.
    when im stressed, and upset, the LAST thing i want from anyone is for them to ask “whats wrong”. because i cant explain. i dont want to explain. my tongue just doesnt want to formulate words.

    i know how you feel. bills are overwhelming. i have done the dave ramsey classes, and i know the steps, but the execution is eluding me. its hard stuff! i get overwhelmed, and i just try to work it week by week (my hubby gets paid weekly)… so maybe its easier because the income happens more often? i dont know.

    what i do know is that id like the income to happen faster, so the paying can happen, so that the OUT OF DEBT can happen….

    • Hi Ericka,

      I know what you mean…even when things are moving along smoothly (wait…does that ever happen?) I am anxious for the paying to happen!

      I feel like “I can do this,” many times only to spiral into failure again. It is so frustrating. I too have taken the Dave Ramsey classes! I can make a budget, an elaborate plan to save and get ahead, but I can never seem to execute it, or stick with it.

      I believe that if I did nothing else at all, I could accomplish this–absolutely. But when you start adding in everything else that demands my attention and throws me into a whirlwind I’m lost again and furiously running around that hamster wheel of mine.

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