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What the hell is wrong with me?

Angry Frazzled Mommy

angry autistic mom, asperger's and anger
I need this T-shirt!
It has been a crappy day, and for no particular reason that I can put my finger on. I woke up this morning to the stupid dog barking his head off, and felt incredibly sorry that I agreed/ no advocated, to get my Aspie Teen a dog. I am beginning to hate that dog. He doesn’t want to be trained, chews up everything he can get his teeth into, and barks, howls and yelps until all hours of the morning.
Then for some God only knows why reason, I try to find my shoes to bring my middle son to school, and I discover I have only one black flip flop by the door, and only one black slipper. So is someone eating one of each shoe? Is that what is going on today?
I asked earlier this week that someone put the laundry away after I spent two days cleaning everything in the house. No one did. So that is why I couldn’t find my little guy’s socks before school and had to dig into the laundry buckets instead of opening a draw where they should have been neatly folded.
Hubby said last night before I feel asleep, well passed out is more an accurate description because I haven’t been feeling good, that he would run out and get the baby juice. I don’t want to give him much milk because he is sick too. I woke and there was no juice; I guess he forgot. So I dropped by the supermarket on my way home from dropping little man off at school.
I’ve been angry ever since.
I’m yelling at Aspie Teen because I can’t take things being all over the floor. I feel like all I do is vacuum, vacuum, and vacuum some more. Then when I look down there are more crumbs sprawled out everywhere. I am losing my mind. I must say though, I think I’m becoming best friends with my Henry hoover, haha. All in all, it’s a great hoover, and I’d recommend anyone to go to a website like Vacuumshop to purchase one!
There are still boxes unpacked, and I am coming unglued.
Aspie Teen is not doing his school work fast enough for my taste today, so I am screaming. More mess on the floor, so I am screaming. Hubby didn’t make phone calls he needed to, so I am screaming. Screaming, screaming, screaming, and screaming some more. Why I am so damn angry today? Why am I losing my ability to cope today? I’m frustrated. I’m sad. I’m feeling terribly guilty for all my yelling, and yet all I want to do is yell some more!
It seems no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I really suck at homemaking. I can’t keep to a budget for any period of time. The house work always gets away from me, and the chaos causes me not to be able to think.
Today, I feel like I want to escape, I want to run away, I don’t want to stay in the house 24/7 anymore, but what can I do? Really? Nothing. So that is where I am at, feeling helpless.
And helpless = angry. I may have anger management issues.
“Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.” –Stephen King

Jeannie Davide-Rivera

Jeannie is an award-winning author, the Answers.com Autism Category Expert, contributes to Autism Parenting Magazine, and the Thinking Person's Guide to Autism. She lives in New York with her husband and four sons, on the autism spectrum.

10 Comments:

  1. I get this way, too — then watch out! My partner knows that if any part of the house is going to get cleaned, I need a full day of UNINTERRUPTED time to process the tasks, and do them in the order and the way that I want. Sometimes she takes the kids away for the weekend, and boy can I get a lot done then!! (But only then.)Ha.

  2. It just me and two guinea pigs in a 600 sq foot apartment. I often am frustrated with myself because it’s a never ending chore. I’m not sure who makes a bigger mess – me orcthem!”Toss in a recent concussion and it’s any wonder that I am so tired and disorganized! So, totally understand. I better wake up to a pipping hot cup of coffee or those guinea pigs aren’t getting fed lol

    • This made me chuckle this morning thank you, I needed that. I was having one of these days again yesterday…where the overload was so bad and I was getting increasingly angry to the point of total meltdown (the dog got it!) and then shutdown (I slept and stayed in my room locked away from everyone for 14 hours) I still feel like I want to crawl back into my bed, but atlas I have to be moving.

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  4. I hate it when you feel that so much is getting on top of you. It seems to be a common thing with mothers almost universally.

    I find at certain times, particularly when I’m tired or ill, the kids start screaming and I just can’t take it any more. Usually it’s a cascade of things that starts me yelling but increasing noise and mess are the triggers.

    I try to put myself in time out for a bit and then go back to deal with it later.

    I hear you on the chores. The problem is that we don’t seem to be HEARD and that is my honest feeling on it. This is what leads to the frustration in the first place.

    • You are right about that–not being heard! I just love talking to the walls!

      I have often had to give myself time outs. Sometimes I recognize when I need one, and when possible go and lock myself in the bathroom and take a bath. But I many more times I don’t have the foresight to know I need a time out before I lose it!

      Then crazy mom is screaming again. I’ve threated everyone with Mom moving her office out of the house!

  5. I LOVE the house being tidy, but just can’t compete with other inhabitants. Or my lack of interest in housework. I scream too :-/

  6. i know how you feel!!!

    things should be where they go. thats helpful. digging for something that should be somewhere else, not convenient at all!

    i cant stick to a budget either! i know its for my own good and all that – we took dave ramsey! but i honestly cannot wrap my mind around a budget. i can write down what the bills are but its really really hard to even estimate groceries or gas… so the shit hits the fan every time we try. 🙁

    and the chaos makes me insane. it makes me want to just find a quiet empty room. so i totally know how you feel!

    • Do you have those in your house? Quiet empty rooms?? If so, I’m moving in! LOL There are none of those here that is for sure.

      I am trying to wrap my head around the why’s of why I can’t keep to budgets and stay on top of household chores. It drives me quite crazy.

      I think though it really does come down to executive functioning and central coherence issues. Or better put my executive dysfunction and weak central coherence.

      I think those two things together make it especially difficult on us as woman, who are expected to be able multitask, juggle, and keep a nice pretty house.

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