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Be Careful of What You Say to ASD Children; the literal-Minded 8 year old

Matthew Alexander Rivera, modelOur Words and our ASD Children

Being mindful of the words we use when we speak to our ASD children can be exhausting, but so can the meltdown that follows misinterpretations. Understanding how their highly literal minds process the words is crucial.

 

It’s Sunday again and I am reminded of what my 8 year old boy said to me last Sunday.
I didn’t watch him get dressed and leave the house to go outside to play. Only a few minutes after he left the door burst open again.
“Ma-a-a-, I’m fr-r-re-e-ez-ing,” he said putting his ice cold hands inside the sleeves of my shirt. “It’s cold outside!”
He sounded truly perturbed, which puzzled me.
“Of course it’s cold, Matthew, it is November.  And you’re wearing shorts and a t-shirt! Go get changed.”
“No, Mom it’s freezing outside.” He said completely ignoring my instructions to change his clothes.
“If you put some warm clothes on, you won’t be cold”
“But it’s not supposed to be cold!”
“It’s November, put warm clothes on,” I insisted.
He still didn’t budge. “It’s Sunday, it’s not supposed to be cold.”
“Why not?”
The little man dropped his shoulders, and sighed, “Mom, SUN-day.”
He walked away from me shaking his head like there was something seriously wrong with Mom. How could I not get it?
To little man it was Sunday, which meant the sun was supposed to be out, and he was not supposed to be cold. He left me sitting here at my keyboard completely dumbfounded.  How long has he believed that Sunday meant the Sun would be shining?
I told a friend of mine (who I suspect is an undiagnosed Aspie) this story. She told me that when she was young she always insisted on eating French fries on Friday, because that was what she was supposed to have—her fries on FRY-day.
I often get glimpses into his literal world, fortunately, I can relate to his literalness but I often forget what it was like to be that young and take the world even more literally than I do now.  I wrote last week about his irritation with the “Slow Children” sign at school here.
My youngest (22 month old) has begun a screaming head banging stage! It’s awful.  And—he has had an ear infection, and has not been sleeping well at all.  My husband has taken to driving him in the van at night to get him to fall asleep.
Finally after a long day of screaming, I got him down for a nap. It was just in time for my 8 yr. old to get home from school. He came running in the house with his friends from next door.  Since the baby was sleeping upstairs, I let them play the Wii down in the living room (big mistake).
After several times of telling them to quiet down that went ignored, I finally shut off the game and made everyone go outside to play. When they burst through the door again, waking the baby, I yelled that everyone needs to go outside to play.
“And don’t come back in the house!”
About a half an hour later I was sitting in my bedroom, which has two windows facing the front of the house, when I heard my eight year old crying—hysterically. I ran outside to find him bent over the front of our mini-van, with his head in his arms, tears flowing down his cheeks as he sobbed.
“What’s wrong? What happened?”
He could barely get the words out between sobs. “I-I c-c-c-an’t come back in my house. I’m kicked out.”
The girls next door had to go inside, and my little man thought that he could not come back inside—ever!
LESSON LEARNED: I must be extremely careful of the words that I use when I speak to him. He will take every single word literally, and infinitely. Don’t come back in the house—for him, meant don’t ever come back into the house—EVER. This little mistake caused a complete meltdown which could have been avoided.
The word “NO” is another pitfall to avoid.  If he asks me a question, for instance, “can we go buy ice-cream?” I cannot simply say, no. I must qualify my answer.  No, we cannot go today, or right now, or it’s too cold outside today, or something. If I do not and simply answer, No, meltdown can quickly follow.  It is not because I told him No, but because he took that NO to mean no, not ever.  We can NEVER go and buy ice-cream-EVER.
To the non-ASD person, this can seem like a child just being a brat, just wanting to get their own way (sometimes, yes—this can be true), but more likely it can be a misunderstanding, a literal misinterpretation of the words that you speak.
Growing up I had many of these misinterpretations, which were looked upon as my being difficult (intentionally), or throwing a tantrum when I didn’t hear the answer I wanted. Many times, that simply was not the case.
For an example of my literal-mind growing, where just one word made all the difference, or rather caused all the problem read: School was a Minefield.

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Jeannie Davide-Rivera

Jeannie is an award-winning author, the Answers.com Autism Category Expert, contributes to Autism Parenting Magazine, and the Thinking Person's Guide to Autism. She lives in New York with her husband and four sons, on the autism spectrum.

8 Comments:

  1. When I was a kid I used to wonder why it was called Sunday if it’s not always sunny and if it’s sunny on other days. I never took it that literal like your son did.

    • LOL I just had this conversation with my five-year-old about Sunday, it seems like we go through this with each one! And the 11-year-old just complained yesterday that is was SUNNY on Sunday, and how in the world could it be this cold if the sun is out on Sunday!

  2. I’m neural typical. My 10 yr old son is on the spectrum. Meltdowns were a way of life until he was 5. I learned to preface EVERYTHING for him or suffer the meltdown. I was afraid of the meltdowns.

    At age of 5 I started training Max to live in the NT world. He was born into it and it’s prolly not going to change much in his life. So he better learn to navigate.

    I’ve systematically taught him that getting clarification on his literal thinking patterns is his responsibility… and simultaneously, through art projects we work on and books we write, I have taught him to think outside of his literal box.

    He is slowly understanding the NT world and how to maneuver in it. I feel strongly that as his mom, it’s my duty to teach him NT “language” and ways of being in the same way I felt it was my duty to learn “autism” and autistic ways so that I could help him thrive.

    In the end, Max will (hopefully) be fluent in NT and I will be fluent in autism.

    My ex-husband in an undiagnosed aspie who has a life more difficult than it needs to be because he never learned the ways of the NT people. I want more than that for Max.

    • Thanks so much for reading. I think that you are doing a great thing for Max. The more he learns about other people the better he will be able to navigate the world. I truely wish there were more NT’s that would become fluid in autism, both to help our children AND so that we (autistics) do not always feel like there is something wrong with us. We are just different, and every once in a while it would be nice if others adjusted to us…your becoming “fluent” for your son, I think will make all the different in the world!

  3. I think your little man is right – Sundays should always be sunny! A lovely post.

  4. Thank you for sharing this advice. I find with even my 3-year old that I must already qualify many answers, instead of just saying yes or no, but I hadn’t considered just HOW LITERAL he might interpret some words/phrases. This will help me to be better prepared. Thank you again.

    • You are very welcome deborah! I know that no-one expected me to take things literally when I was a child, and yet, I took them VERY literally. I still do, and can be brought to tears if for instance I am following instructions (to the letter, literally) and someone tells me I did it wrong, or misinterpreted a direction.

      I reread and say, “No, it says…” My hubby is constantly telling me, “but that is not what they mean..” Well damn it, just say what you mean, and mean what you say! LOL

      I have a meeting with my son’s teacher on Thursday because he is having difficulty in school, they too, don’t understand how literally he is taking their words.

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