A few months ago, I made the startling discovery that I don’t really know myself all that well. In fact, I didn’t even know what I liked to eat—not without considering everyone else around me. That even sounds weird to me. As I write this, I am thinking that I have always known what I liked, and what I didn’t—remember, The Flying Christmas Fork, or I’m Not Wearing That.
When did all that change? When did I completely lose myself?
I was unable to concentrate at home, or get anything at all done. A research project was due for a New Media Writing and Publishing class I was taking, and I could not get two minutes of peace. So, I grabbed my Ipad and left for the mall (I couldn’t think of anywhere else to go). I figured I would go get a bite to eat, and then head over to Barnes and Nobles, and work on my research.
I strolled into the food court alone, something I never do, and began walking down the line of restaurants all beckoning me to order from their places. I strolled past Primo Pizza and thought, Matty loves the pizza, maybe I should get pizza. A & D Wings, I could split a wings platter with Adam, or get some fries to share with the baby…
The trouble was that none of them were with me. I was lost. I stood there confused, and realized I had no idea what I WANTED TO EAT or WHAT I LIKED TO EAT from the food court. I hadn’t considered what I might really want for a very long time. Not wanting to waste anymore of my precious research time on my decision, I grabbed a Philly cheese steak, some fries, and a coke, and then made my way to a table by the window.
Yes—it was noisy in the food court, but at least I was armed with my ear plugs this time. I popped those babies in, and then went to work researching and nibbling on my food. I noticed that I didn’t care much for the sandwich, why did I buy that anyway?
A further evaluation revealed my problem was larger than not knowing what I like to eat at the mall. I no longer really knew what I liked—period.
“What do you like to do?” Someone asked. “Do you have any hobbies?”
No, and I don’t know, was all I could answer, and it was the truth. I really didn’t know.
Do you know yourself? Do you know your likes and dislikes? I didn’t so—I’ve resolved to figure it out.
I think it is easier to list the things that we like, but harder to admit what we do not. At least, for me, it is. It is easy to say, I like to curl up by myself and read. I like to wrap myself in the softest, furriest, fuzziest blankets I can find. I like to sit here on the computer and blog surf. I like to write, and write, and write. But—what I do not like is probably less acceptable, and brings on the guilt.
It is hard to admit when we do not like things that we are supposed to like, or want to do happily. I do not intend to, or want to work a regular 9-5 job! It is out of my range of possibilities, AND I do not even have the desire. But—I do not entirely like being at home all day long either. I despise housekeeping. I hate cleaning dishes, doing laundry, vacuuming, and cooking three meals per day. These are some things that many women would love to be able to do, but I am lonely. I am frustrated, and constantly feel useless, unaccomplished, and depressed. I want OUT!
I want to get out of the house (not every day) but sometimes, or I want to be able to get some part-time daycare for the little guy so I can have some uninterrupted time to myself, to write, and accomplish something I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH. And, of course, I feel guilty for wanting that bit of time for me. If I spent my time at a job making money (benefitting the family) then I would feel less guilty, but just so I can enjoy something I want to do—well, that is a whole other story.
Ok—I did it.
I said, one of the top things on my list of dislikes—staying home all day long, and housekeeping. I hate it, and I wish I didn’t have to do it. Are there things that you completely hate, despise, dislike, that you have not admitted even to yourself?
I have another—I do not like to talk on the phone. No, not for one single second, and so I avoid it. I avoid calling people, I avoid answering the phone, I even avoid making necessary appointments with doctors because I can’t stand picking up that receiver!
I have even stopped calling my family on the holidays, or my dad for his birthday (shame on me). When I do call, I stress, and avoid it and put the phone call off until the last possible second. I have a load of theories as to why I hate being on the phone so intensely, but that could be a short novel in and of itself.
I’ve given two—your turn.
What do you REALLY REALLY dislike? Or like? (Even the weird stuff, I want to know—seriously.)
Do you think having difficulty knowing yourself is related to your ASD? Or is it just the actual likes and dislikes that are related? (i.e. not liking talking on the phone, or unending tasks)
Not sure what you like/dislike? I wasn’t either, but this blog post was very helpful: Getting to Know Yourself: The Greatest Discovery of All
Not a characteristic of Autism, speaking about that the link on the other comment made me angry. Don’t trust anything that say we are egocentric, lack self-awareness because of autism alone or lack any theory on mind/empathy, if an article has that I ignore it. So much wrong things in autism articles and research results.
Many people that are forced to live a life being different feel they don’t know what they like, is very common for NT too, we adapt like that, people that are different or that have felt this all their life and on more extreme cases were bullied or abuse but it doesn’t take much for someone to lose their sense of self-awareness. It’s not exclusive of ASD and not a characteristic of it, just from being different and adapting. Women do that too because it’s expected as a social role, people with high emotional sensitivity sometimes have the same problem and many other groups. It’s survival and a wish to fit in that we don’t notice, many characteristics are also form when interacting with people, especially those that are similar too us, people that have any differences like ASD don’t have similar people to interact with so we have to form our sense of self using people too unlike us that are the majority, we can’t do that in a society that hates difference withput losing ourselves.
I haven’t had the chance to read the article in the previous commenter’s link. I do, however, take everything I read with a grain of salt so to speak–testing it by what I know and/or feel. You make some great points here…anyone can easily lose themselves, and from what I gather it may be even easier for woman, who tend to lose ourselves in our children, or homes, or/should according to how society thinks.
I definitely do not believe we are egocentric because of autism, or lack empathy that is for sure. For me, I do have difficult with theory of mind…but I still maintain that “normal” people are not logical, make no sense, and my way of thinking is the more logical, moral, and the “correct” way of being…is that egocentric? LOL (just kidding…sort of)
Yes, my awareness of my feelings and preferences is only worked out from observation, I feel like my own biographer or an anthropologist specialising in myself.
And this is an autistic trait, in fact it’s the reason I realised that dyspraxia or NVLD didn’t cover all my traits and I had to be on the spectrum, when I read this article: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8407857.stm
Hating using the phone is not such a shameful thing, and you’d be surprised by how many people feel the same way. It’s also amazing how well you can keep in touch with people these days without ever using the phone–so nothing to feel guilty about. 🙂
On the actual topic of your post, you raise an interesting question. The autistic people I know online and in person seem highly self-aware, more than the average person, so I’d actually wondered if Aspergers–or just spending a life functioning very differently than most people–makes one more self-aware.
I’ve noticed a lot of women say they know the preferences of loved ones much better than their own. I always figured that came from having a partner & kids. You used to know yourself pretty well when you were younger, so could it be that life gets in the way of knowing yourself, not Asperger’s?