Let’s talk about control.
Autistics have a deep seated need for control. A need for routine, and to control our environments is paramount. In fact, it is very difficult for us not to do things the way we have always done them; the way we know they should be done. Unfortunately, my rigid, often completely inflexible thinking does not allow me to be flexible (I am working on it). The problem is when things don’t go as planned, as expected, as they should go, I come unglued.
Children can have complete meltdowns with small changes in their routines, heck I can have a complete meltdown with small changes. I even need to make a list of all the stores I need to shop in and in which order I will visit them. Believe me these lists are well thought out, planned, and I have a reason for the order (although you may not see it).
If my shopping trip, which is already a sensory nightmare, goes askew, I am done. I might as well go home, and you may be able to find me in the parking lot of a large shopping center in tears. I can’t get away from my plan; I need to follow it precisely.
The same goes double for holiday preparations. I am a complete Christmas control freak. I take way too long to pick out the perfect Christmas tree, and then figure out how many strings of lights it needs. When it comes to decorating the tree, there is an order I must follow. First all the white balls go on the tree, and then the red ones. The red ones must be spread out evenly so they are not too bunched up and the dots of red are sprinkled through the spruce. Then and only then, do I begin to distribute the nicer ornaments, the heirlooms, and other decorations. After that, garland, Father Christmas, ribbons, and the snow—in that order, no changes.
MUST FOLLOW THE PLAN
Needless to say, I am not very fun to trim the tree with. I don’t mean to be completely neurotic, I cannot help it. We MUST FOLLOW THE PLAN! Again, there is a reason for my plan, and a reason for the order we must trim the tree in, but if I begin to tell you what it is we will be here all day. Why don’t they just trust me?
In my last post, I discussed our problems with gift giving and receiving. We hate surprises! To be honest, surprises are stressful, and I can wind up a teary mess, as can my Aspie Teen. Therefore, all gift giving is thoroughly planned out. I have lists of people, lists of gifts, prices, coupons, store locations—it’s very comprehensive.
Before diagnosis I just believed as I was told, I was a neurotic lunatic! There still may be some truth to that statement. But, now understanding my need for routine and order coupled with my need to plan and know what to expect, my family can now adjust. I in turn can learn to let go a little bit knowing that many times it is just my autism jumping in and interfering with my flexibility.
This year was better (so far), we all trimmed the tree, and I tried not to touch it too much. I tend to re-place all the ornaments that everyone places because they are not in the right spots. This time I just handed the ornaments out—in order of course. Then I saved the last few things that I couldn’t be flexible about to do myself. I spent much less time being annoyed, yelling, and making everyone re-do the tree.
No Surprises!
Now let’s go back to gift giving for a moment. I told you that we all make our Christmas lists. This year, and he has done this every year, Aspie Teen is trying to micro-manage my Christmas shopping. He always makes me a list (his Santa List) complete with prices and pictures (I wonder where he gets that from??), and then he starts to obsess about it. Adjusting his list, removing things, replacing things, finding better deals, and in general driving Mom crazy!
He has asked me for the Assassin’s Creed Gauntlet. It is a replica of a weapon from one of his video games. The thing has been on backorder since October. Would you believe that he has been monitoring the backorder situation and has found that it is now available in limited quantities online. Last night, I caught him researching what materials the thing is made of, some kind of polymer plastic, and something else (I wasn’t really listening too intently since he’s been driving me crazy about this thing since October).
I tell him every year to make me a list of all his most wanted gifts, and we will see what he gets. (It was easier when he still believed in Santa!) It goes in one ear, and right out the other. Every day so far since giving me his list, he checks on my progress.
“Mom, did you buy…yet? Because …has it on sale right now.” He says.
He is driving me absolutely bonkers, and making me wonder if I am this bad!
The answer: Yes.
In fact, I buy my own Christmas gifts! Then I tell my husband, “Here, this is from you. These are from the kids…etc.” So unfortunately I must report that not only am I as bad as Aspie Teen, I am probably worse!
Don’t be too dismayed, I drag my husband into the stores now and make him pick out his own gifts too. There really is no reason to spend time and money on getting him something he doesn’t really want. If I do pick up a gift without him, I always show it to him to make sure he will like it before I wrap it up and put it under the tree. Poor guy, no surprises for him either—ever.
Funny me and my husband are the same way. I have set ways that Christmas must be. Mostly because I really enjoyed Christmas when I was a kid. I loved every minute of it. Even the surprises. To me it’s funny because I crave stabability at all times. Growing up in an unstable household Christmas was very stable for me. Very rutine. I knew what to expect. Nothing changed much. Everything was done the same almost every year. The only surprise was my gifts but I loved that part. I now do everything the same. I keep most of the same routine. Lucky for me my husband didn’t grow up with Christmas at his house so he doesn’t have traditions. He just goes with mine and puts in what he wants to do. Gift giving has turned into what you described he sucks at surprises. Often buying all his own gifts and tries to get me to buy mine. Thank god our kids aren’t like this yet. I say yet. Give them time, oh give them time.
I feel your holiday pain! Christmas at our house is much the same. Now that my daughter is grown, we make a trip to the mall, pick out stuff we like then go home and wrap it. Okay, sometimes we don’t even bother with wrapping. But we all get what we want so I don’t see the problem! 🙂
Same with decorating the tree (which we haven’t done in years) and putting the ornaments in specific places. Once everyone finishes, I need to move stuff around until it’s all balanced out. Oy. We’re an impossible lot to live with, aren’t we?
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
yes. definitely. mmmhmmm. 🙂 im totally with you here. yes yes.
i dont know if i buy my own gift but i do tell hubby what i want. now, hubby took some online aspergers test and he comes up only 20 points lower than me on it, so its possible hes got the same thing going on in his head that i do LOL
so its really nice i guess that he wants to get me what i need/want, and i the same for him. im so happy that it works for us. and come to think of it, he doesnt like to be surprised either. hmm..