Stop Trying to Change Me, to Modify Me! Let Me Be Me!
I am often asked to give advice on how parents can help their children navigate situations. How can they get them to do this or that, or act in a certain way that is more “normal”?
The single most important piece of advice I can offer is to love and accept your child unconditionally. And yes—by this I mean their differences. In fact, you should celebrate them, let them know that there difference are not only alright, but something special.
If I could have had one thing growing up I would have asked for acceptance instead of correction, instead of ridicule, instead of humiliation. Do you know what happens when no-one in your life accepts you, when everything you do is wrong, odd, peculiar, or needs to be changed? It destroys you, your heart, your soul, your mind, your spirit—every bit of you.
I understand that we as autistic people need to live in this world—a world that is predominately filled with neuro-typical people, those not like us. But I question why we need to “blend in”, why we need to cower and modify our behavior, thinking, and communication to accommodate other people who feel no need to accommodate us. How is this fair? What does this teach our children?
Growing up it taught me that I was not enough, I was inadequate, I was wrong, and the rest of the world was inherently better than me. Is that what I want to teach my children—HELL NO!
For a change I would like to see the rest of the world bend over backwards and stretch sideways to understand me, instead of the other way around—and quite frankly if I mean anything to them they will.
Maybe at this point I am getting to old to be pliable without snapping in two, or perhaps I am just too tired these days to pretend. Too tired to pretend to be “normal”, or whatever that means.
I can tell you one thing about myself and I would bet it applies to your autistic child as it does to mine: I would rather see the world through my eyes, with my values, with my sense of logic and understanding than to be “normal”.
My thirteen-year-old Aspie said, “Mom, being different is good, but feeling weird is not.”
He is right! I look at the world around me and I don’t want to be like the masses, like the sheep following the status quo blindly—I want to be different. But to be empowered, to dare to be different confidently requires not feeling weird.
When everything we do, say, think, or feel is corrected or modified to better suit a neuro-typical world we are not empowered to be ourselves, we are in-part crushed, pressed down and made to “feel weird.”
Maybe, just maybe—I don’t have to change, your child does not have to change, maybe it is the world that needs to change.
~Just my thoughts for today…
I have a friend who’s daughter is about to put her Autistic sn in nursery school two full days a week. He will be the first disabled child they’ve had. Do you have any advice that I can give them? They live in England.
Personally speaking, my oldest two attended daycare. Aspie Teen began about two years old, and did fairly well until he was about four and half, the little man (my eight year old) attended much earlier, but also began to have difficulties around four and a half years old. I think that is had something to do with being expected to preform on the same level as their peers. Neither child of mine was mature as their peers, or ready to be pushed into a school-like structure at that point–a classroom where they were being chastised for not being able to “read their blends” when they were still mastering the ABC’s. To me, the schools were putting too much pressure on them to know how to read before they turned four!
That portion of it aside, both of them at that point enjoyed the company of other children. Because of my own autism (I didn’t know it at the time) I stayed mostly in the house. We had no real social interaction, no play dates, and I lived a thousand miles from home so I had no friends or family around. Keeping them with me all day long keep them bored and restless. For us, it was a good idea, but it is a highly individual decision. I think the degree to which the child is affect by their autism is a big factor as well. Can they communicate? Can they let you know if something happens to them in daycare? That sort of thing…
Right now, my littlest one is two years old and I am going to enroll him in preschool/daycare very soon. I want to try it for a few days a week and see how it goes. His language is severely delayed at this point, as were both his brothers, but I think it may do him some good to be out of the house for a bit AND around more conversation. If I could stay in the house quiet all day long I would, so it is a struggle for me to talk to the little guys and help develop their language further. I think the daycare/preschool for two year olds will help. I suppose only time will tell.
Thank you! I’ll pass on what you have said to my friend.
You are very welcome. Keep me posted and let me know how it goes for the little one.
YES, YES, YES! to all of this. I feel exactly the same way. I wish more parents got this because ending up with a kid who can maybe kind of sometimes pass for “normal” but has crummy self-esteem really isn’t the ideal outcome.
And your 13-year-old said it perfectly. 🙂
I was beginning to think I was the only one that felt this way. It is probably because we grew up autistic and I don’t know about you but I had really crummy self-esteem–something that is still a battle each and every day. I don’t wish this feeling of inferiority on any child, or adult for that matter.