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Holy Violent Temper Tantrums Batman! The Tot is Out of Control.

Pirate Tommy

So tell me someone please…how does this beautiful loving pirate face turn into the violent Tantrum Tot from hell?  And, when did this happen exactly?

Tantrum Tot has been nicknamed that for a reason; he has always been the head banging tantrum kid but things lately have gotten worse. The situation with the Tot seems to be escalating to the point where I am not sure of how to handle him most days.  He seems to lose his temper (and his control) at the drop of a dime, which very quickly escalates into a full blown meltdown.

What appears to be happening is that he has a tantrum (to get his own way, or because he is told “No” to something he wants) but gets himself so worked up that a meltdown (which is impossible to control or stop) ensures.  It has been a vicious cycle culminating with him becoming more and more aggressive. He now runs after everyone he is mad at and starts to hit!  There is no calming him down either–he bangs his head, kicks the doors, broke through the lock on the bedroom door, tried to pull the latch off the front door, and throws things.

This morning the Tot woke about 5 a.m. and was well behaved until Hubby had to leave for work, which started his madness.  From 6:15 until 7:20 without taking a breath he flipped out screaming because Daddy went to work.  He rammed his way into the bedroom and starting throwing things at me while screaming, “Daddy come back,” at the windows.  He freaks out like this often, but lately (especially with the newborn baby in his path) I am becoming increasingly concerned.

As you may already know, apparently with the new DSM-5 guidelines and the fact that the Tot had an awesome day and LOVED playing with the psychologist during his evaluation, he no longer fits the diagnostic criteria for autism.  Instead he was given a diagnosis of developmental delay (which I do not think is a real diagnosis at all), severe expressive speech delay, moderate expressive speech delay and here goes the biggy…Distruptive Behavior Disorder/ Opposition Defiance Disorder (ODD)–but NOT ASD!  (To which I say, “My ASS perger’s!” So here we go again with the handful of different diagnoses, all of which ASD explains, but they do not put them under that one category.  Where have I seen this before??? Hummm…let me think.

Three doctors and the head of his daycare referred him for early intervention services.  During his doctor’s appointment last week, his pediatrician watched him running in circles around the office and nurses stations and the beginnings of a meltdown that Hubby and I were desperately trying to head-off. He told me that I  need to have him re-evaluated!  Yes, that was my thoughts too!

Now if you want to get an idea of what even doctors think when it comes to Asperger’s Syndrome, and High Functioning Autism (HFA) what the doctor said to  me about the changes in the DSM- 5 next says it all.  He told me that they no longer worry about high-functioning autism or Asperger’s anymore because it just isn’t worth worrying about,

“after all Bill Gates has Asperger’s and look at how well he is doing!”

Really? Are you kidding me?  There you have it folks, anything other than classic autism is just not worth worrying about and that is why the DSM-5 was changed to eliminate Asperger’s.–straight from the Tot’s pediatrician’s mouth.  So does this mean he still believes that the Tot has an autism spectrum disorder since he suggested he be re-evaluated?

I’ve had many challenges with my children of that there is no doubt, but I have not had one that was this aggressive.  What do you do when you cannot spank, and time-out’s do not work…in fact, when nothing you do seem to do works? I am worried about him, and am missing my loving snugly Tot.

 

UPDATE: Finally got through to BabyNet (for early intervention services) and have an appointment in early October for an intake evaluation.  Let’s see how that goes…

Jeannie Davide-Rivera

Jeannie is an award-winning author, the Answers.com Autism Category Expert, contributes to Autism Parenting Magazine, and the Thinking Person's Guide to Autism. She lives in New York with her husband and four sons, on the autism spectrum.

5 Comments:

  1. I figure he doesn’t like having tantrums much either, so perhaps ask him if there’s anything he thinks will help him keep from being unsafe when he’s upset. I used to crawl into a sleeping bag to calm down. Now I recite poems in my head (I’m guessing at his age he hasn’t memorized poetry, but, you never know) and use various finger stims.
    Good luck to him and you. 🙂

  2. First: My husband and I have just read your book, and it moved us very much. Neither of us is autistic (although I suspect I’m pretty close, but I haven’t had a reason to test myself). However, our daughter, who will be four in November, probably has some kind of autism and/or adhd (we have a few more tests to go, but in our mind, there is not much doubt). She probably doesn’t have any development delay, but it’s hard to be sure since her difficulties with verbal and non-verbal communication are definitely hindering her development in many areas.

    Our daughter has been evaluated by various medical professionals for over a year now (we live in Sweden, the process is probably a bit different here.). We have from time to time asked ourselves (and been asked by others), if this is the right thing to do, “branding” our daughter with a a diagnosis? Our answer has always been that if there is nothing “wrong” with her, then the test will show that. But if she does have some disability, then it will not go away just because we ignore it. And reading your book has made us feel this even more strongly, that a diagnosis is not a “brand” that harms her, but rather something that can help her be all that she wants to be in life.

    Thank you so very much for writing down and sharing your story. The cover of the book was also well chosen. Our daughter (who cannot read and does not know what the book is about) looked at it and told me it is a princess, who doesn’t like clothes, and who wants to dance.

    Second: About your tantrum tot. Our daughter is also quite inflexible and prone to tantrums. For us, the book “The explosive child” by Ross Greene has been a great help, and the book “No Fighting, No Biting, No Screaming: How to Make Behaving Positively Possible for People with Autism and Other Developmental Disabilities” by Bo Hejlskov Elvén has been an even bigger help. Perhaps you are already familiar with these writers, but if not, I really recommend them.They have helped us a lot, and even though our daughter still has many tantrums and we cannot completely remove the daily stress that contributes to them, she is happier now and has developed a lot. Also, even when she has tantrums, I think that we are all better equipped to handle them, so that they are less stressful and scary for her, and thus they get less violent and pass more quickly for us all.

    • I am so glad that you enjoyed the book! I was smiling when reading what your little girl thought of the book cover–How perceptive! I will definitely be checking out your book suggestions as well. I have often been asked if being autistic myself, and understanding where my children are “coming from”, makes it easier to parent them–or deal with the undesirable behaviors. Upon thinking on this subject for a while, my answer is a resounding NO! Not because I don’t understand them, or because I cannot communicate more effectively with them than others do, because I can do both of those things–but my own sensitivities, and thresh hold for sensory overload interferes. I often have more difficulty than others thinking clearly during the “tantrum” times. The noise is overwhelming to me, and I tend to either stare into space blocking some of the things out, or have to remove myself fairly soon and often. The idea of being better equipped to handle the Tot feels like a sound approach.

  3. You sound like a good parent. “My ASS-perger’s” lmao!
    It sounds like you tot problem is more severe than mine, but I’d like to help. Do you find that his anxiety feeds yours, then snowballs? We have this problem, too, if so. All four of us. My son is verbally sophisticated, but when he’s upset, the breakdown occurs all the same, much as it did, and occasionally still does, to his father and I. The key is to find ways to interrupt your own anxiety reaction, then find effective means of communication. This may be more difficult with lack of success with time outs, and verbal delays, but I believe it’s possible to find ways to communicate, regardless. How old is he? Mine’s five, and age does make a difference in response.
    When my little guy melts down, we ask him calmly to leave the room, until he is ready to discuss the situation calmly (I understand this may be difficult). Then we let him have his fit. When he’s ready to talk, we have him explain what’s bothering him, then break things down simply, and explain our rationale, and that no amount of tantrum throwing will change our stance. Sometimes we use analogies to something that interests him, or parables. For example, this was for an irrational fear, rather than aggression or anger, but when our son inexplicably became afraid of his feet, we compared them to hobbit feet! The situation was different, but it’s an example of how to interrupt the crisis cycle. I hope this helps, & am more than willing the field troubleshooting questions as best I can.
    Congratulations on your new family member! I’m sure this is a difficult transition for your tantrum tot, but I have faith that you are loving parents, who will guide him through!

  4. I don’t really have any advice, but wanted to just let you know that I am thinking of you. Having a new baby, and dealing with aggressive, long meltdowns has to be very difficult. Actually, I know it is, because I had one that behaved that way, sans the violence. My son would scream for hours over the smallest thing, and there was no fixing it once it began. Sorry to hear that you’re having a hard time. Message me if you need anything.

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