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Leaving Today; Afraid of the Quiet

Today we begin our long journey back to South Carolina with our family in tow. It will be a long, hard, trip in the car with my four boys. They will yell, scream, cry, and drive us bonkers on the way and I will be grateful. BUT when they fall asleep I will be left with what I currently fear the most–the quiet.

Since my father’s funeral I’ve been keeping busy, running at a constant pace, trying to outrun the pain that has not yet caught me. I’ve spent the last ten days moving, almost without ceasing, without breathing, and I am now dreading the ride home.

At some point, I know I will have nothing to do to keep busy but to sit there staring out the car window and that is when the thoughts take over. The events replay themselves and I am not ready for it. I don’t yet know how I feel, and admittedly don’t really want to find out.

I’m not good with emotions, showing them or letting them out. I need control. There is much to do when I get home. I have a ton of work piled up waiting for me. Articles that need writing, books need mailing, outlines written…classes begin again on October 28th, and then November writing projects begin. I have more to do than there is time for, so I know when I get back home I’ll stay busy. My mind will be occupied.

It is this long ride home that I fear; the moments that my mind can wander.

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Jeannie Davide-Rivera

Jeannie is an award-winning author, the Answers.com Autism Category Expert, contributes to Autism Parenting Magazine, and the Thinking Person's Guide to Autism. She lives in New York with her husband and four sons, on the autism spectrum.