Today we begin our long journey back to South Carolina with our family in tow. It will be a long, hard, trip in the car with my four boys. They will yell, scream, cry, and drive us bonkers on the way and I will be grateful. BUT when they fall asleep I will be left with what I currently fear the most–the quiet.
Since my father’s funeral I’ve been keeping busy, running at a constant pace, trying to outrun the pain that has not yet caught me. I’ve spent the last ten days moving, almost without ceasing, without breathing, and I am now dreading the ride home.
At some point, I know I will have nothing to do to keep busy but to sit there staring out the car window and that is when the thoughts take over. The events replay themselves and I am not ready for it. I don’t yet know how I feel, and admittedly don’t really want to find out.
I’m not good with emotions, showing them or letting them out. I need control. There is much to do when I get home. I have a ton of work piled up waiting for me. Articles that need writing, books need mailing, outlines written…classes begin again on October 28th, and then November writing projects begin. I have more to do than there is time for, so I know when I get back home I’ll stay busy. My mind will be occupied.
It is this long ride home that I fear; the moments that my mind can wander.
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