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My Day–the Tot’s Tantrums–I need a do over!

Tantrum Tot is getting worse,; I think. But there are some oddities to his tantrum-ing behavior that really has me raising an eyebrow.

Today, I kept him home from daycare because for some reason he has gone from loving the place to begging me to stay home, and my heart can’t take it. Plus if I try to force him into his clothing and out of the door he loses it; full out war ensues. He screams, kicks, pulls his clothes off, holds on to the door frames, throws his shoes at us, and now–drum roll please–bites! Biting is a new development.

Then if I get him out the door, he runs from the car, or fights me to get him in. He needs to be physically picked up, and restrained to get him into a car seat. Needless to say that by the time I get him to daycare I am a wreck, and it was sooo not worth it for me to do it because I am in meltdown mode for hours afterwards.

Keeping him home isn’t any better because any little thing can set these wild violent tantrums off! Today we had a great morning. He was so happy playing with his new IPad apps that we purchased yesterday after I finally updated the operating system. He got himself a sippy drink out of the fridge and kept telling me, “Mommy, I want to stay here, I want to stay at the house.” I let him; big mistake.

I say big mistake because of how the day proceeded after this point, but really I feel like I am damned if I do, and damned if I don’t here. I cannot win. Anyway, he was happily playing so I went to my computer to “try” and get some work done. That is when it happened.

“Mommy, come back!”

“Wait one minute”

CRASH!

He kicked over the little portable “tray” table that he was playing the IPad on. The IPad slid to the floor (usually no big deal since with the case and all it has been thrown across the room, and against a wall by the Tot) , then the table folded on itself and came crashing down on top of the screen. The screen shattered! Little shards of glass everywhere, even in my fingers when I tried to pick it up.

The next 45 minutes were spent vacuuming like a mad woman because that glass looked like shimmering powered sprinkled in some places, that’s how tiny the pieces were. The Tot was still fairly calm at this point. The kick and crash, was not even an angry one–not as far as the Tot goes, he wasn’t even screaming. A tip for all parents, make sure you have a heavy duty vacuum cleaner (visit All Great Vacuums to read some reviews) in case of glass breakages, as they can be so dangerous if they’re not cleaned up properly.

So when exactly did he lose it? When did the screaming begin, and why? I am not really sure–I think it was when he tried to use Aspie Teen’s computer like an IPad. He was expecting his “choo choos” and his “trucks” to be on there, and playable. They were not and when the thing wouldn’t work the way he wanted he began to hit Aspie Teen and then bite him!

The next 2 and a half hours were spent in a whirlwind of screams, tears, and flung items. The problem I am finding is that when he starts to have a tantrum, it goes so far, and so out of control, that he goes into total and utter meltdown mode. Then nothing you do can help–even if you give in and give him what he wants it does not help. He cannot stop these “tantrums” once they begin–thus MELTDOWN.

I have a full length mirror in my room; one of those mirrors that are on a stand and swivel up and down. The Tot went into my room and stood in front of that mirror rhythmically slamming it against the wall, and intermittently letting out huge screams. Then I noticed something I found odd. He began to hit the reflection of himself in the mirror and say, “Stop it, stop it” and he would keep slamming the mirror, and then yell at himself to stop it. He was getting so frustrated, it seemed at himself, that he would intermittently scream at the top of his lungs.

It was almost as he desperately wanted it all to stop, but it would not. Finally, I had to hold him in a bear hug and sit on my bed rocking back and forth until he calmed down. It took a long time, but he did stop fighting me and said he wanted to lay down. We both lay there on the pillow exhausted for another half hours.

So upsetting, so frustrating, and so defeating.

Then after the day I have had, I go and bust my butt outside my house falling on god only knows what. I skinned my knee (without putting a whole in my jeans), wretched my back, and twisted my ankle. So I am sitting in bed with a laptop and a heating pad wrapped around my foot–what a sight.

I think I want to go back to bed and start this day again–I need a do over.

 

 

 

Jeannie Davide-Rivera

Jeannie is an award-winning author, the Answers.com Autism Category Expert, contributes to Autism Parenting Magazine, and the Thinking Person's Guide to Autism. She lives in New York with her husband and four sons, on the autism spectrum.

5 Comments:

  1. Have you considered to get professional help/consultancy to come in your home over a period of time and look at how your family function overall, try to identify the triggers and underlying patterns, and help develop an overall everyday structure with built0in safeguards and problem solving strategies?

    It can be impossible to spot “triggers” and systematic failures when you’re a part of a system (like a family) – “habit makes blind”. It can be easier for an outsider to detect systematic problem behaviours and dysfunction. Maybe a family therapist specialising in autism-related difficulties or something equivalent.

    I know your kids have autism diagnoses and you too, so there is an awareness that each of you individually have challenges and a focus on individual issues, like the tot’s tantrums & meltdowns, but while diagnoses can be helpful starting points if followed up in themselves they are just broad categories.

    Maybe aspects of Tot’s everyday life frustrates him all the time and the “fuel” accumulates until it takes just a little trigger to set it all off… like not getting what he wants, but it could be anything because he has reached the point where he MUST explode. Those aspect could have to do with his day care or be something about his family life, how he is talked to, talked about, what he observes, moods around him, but it could also simply be specific sensory things in his surroundings that cause him overload. There is no reason to expect that he himself can define what frustrates him, but it could potentially be something simple just not noticed because you guys are used to it so you don’t see it.

    Another suggestion: anxiety/uncertainty converted into anger and meltdown. Are his days predictable, well structured and communicated well to him so he “knows where he is on the map”? Or is the day more like a cloud of uncertainty ahead of him where he doesn’t know what to expect and what is expected of him? Are there other factors that create instability, e.g. someone else’s mood fluctuations and unpredictable behaviour?

    Maybe he is creating his own everyday predictability with his meltdowns… destructive and stressful, but sure to happen. I don’t know if that the case for him, but based on your descriptions it would make sense.

    I hope this is helpful, just my thoughts.

    • We are actually considering (and pursuing) this because you are right, it is difficult to see the situation many times from the inside. I know for myself that I can get frustrated and overload, and very irritated without even knowing it–until I am near a full blown meltdown. It is hard for me sometimes to figure out what “triggered” my own mess, I can’t imagine how difficult it is for a two year old!

      We are waiting for Early Intervention Services through BabyNet here…hopefully helping with his communication skills will be a step in the right direction. Keeping fingers crossed, and toes, and knees, and hairs, and anything else I can cross–crossed!

  2. Bite back. That was always my mums method, you bite someone and she’ll bit you. Not hard enough to break skin but hard enough to leave a mark so it hurt a little. then ask if they like it and are going to bite someone again. Fysh was about 1 and a half when he bit me in the shopping center, I bit him back and said if he ever bit me again santa wouldn’t bring him toys. He’s never bit again. And tantrums – I’m the old school “you get a smack and go to your room” parent. I usually end up in tears cause I feel guilty but it works. We have a handful of tantrums a year at most.

    • We were pretty “old school” ourselves…feeling the “old” particularly lately too. LOL But it seems nothing works on this particular child. Time-out, he doesn’t stay, a spanking doesn’t help even with the tantrums because he seems to lose control of himself very quickly. I am at my wits end when it comes to him sometimes…I am praying that some of this is going to pass with time, the further away we get from these terrible twos the better, and with helping him with better communication skills….Dear God, I hope, hope, hope!

      • oi vey! this makes me want to go home and thank my child for being so well behaved!
        good luck. here’s hoping the communication helps. I did sign language with fysh so communication wasn’t an issue from the moment he started that waving kinda phase

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