At least that is how I see it! A few minutes ago my 9 year old busted through the front door, threw his book bag at the wall, and burst into tears! Then proclaimed that “No-one even likes me!”
This outburst was not in direct response to his school day, which included NO RECESS again, but is becoming an increasing familiar sight when he arrives home from a frustrating day of trying to keep it together at school.
Hubby and I have explained to his teacher time and again about his falling apart at the end of the school day—they don’t seem interested. Earlier in the school year, we met with his teachers to explain the difficulties that we know he has (specifically organizing, getting things to and from school, shifting activities, taking words literally, and misunderstanding instructions, etc.). The teacher assured us she would help him, maybe getting him a buddy in class as she put it, to make sure he has all his things at the end of the day before coming home. This would help ensure homework assignments, book, and important notices would not get left behind. Furthermore, she said she would ensure he wrote the correct assignments in his agenda since he has difficulty getting his work written down.
None of these things have been done, and he continues to get punished for forgetting things, or losing things!
Monday when the little man arrived at school he found his homework folder was missing. I have seen the darn thing, I picked it up and cannot remember where in the heck I put it! I’m frustrated because I know that I lost the darn thing.
The little man did all his reading over the weekend, but the form that it was “noted” or “logged” on was in the missing homework folder. Then yesterday because he didn’t have a homework folder, he forgot to take his Math homework sheet home. He was so upset last night because he knew that no folder, and no math sheet is going to mean no recess again that he was feeling physically sick. I made him lay down in bed with me and go to sleep.
Hubby wrote the teacher a note explaining the problem with this “trickle” effect—AGAIN. He also asked for the school policy about losing recess. This was the response:
Yes, I am aware this was sent home…I do not agree with the taking of recess to complete HW or with losing the ice-cream privileges for a week. But there is more to it—they knew he had difficulties in this area. They know he is in the processing of getting an IEP put in place FOR THESE REASONS. And it seems to me that they don’t care—am I being too harsh? I started to think so earlier until my 9-year-old came home an emotional wreck. Again. Even if he didn’t have difficulties—or was not getting an IEP put into place, shouldn’t as teachers they want to help the students? Isn’t it their job to help when they are aware of an area in which a child is struggling? I just don’t think this teacher knows how to deal with certain children. I feel like suggesting they should take some courses for teachers to help them understand my child better. I’ve heard they are really beneficial, but I doubt they will listen. They haven’t listened to us yet!
And this was written in his agenda:
He DID his reading, and logged it into his reading log, but the folder vanished before it made it to school! The little man NEVER forget to do his homework, or his reading (20 pages of Harry Potter per night), and always logs it in and has me sign it. It just has difficulty making it to the school the next day.
I think what makes me so upset about all this is that THIS HAS HAPPENED TO ME. I worked hard, did my homework, and still couldn’t manage to get my sh*t together in school—constantly losing the work I spend hours doing. It discourage me so much that I stopped doing any work at all.
I would like to write a little FYI note of my own: We did not have this problem in the two other schools that son attended in this district. The district psychologist spoke to my husband today and told him that this is the ONLY school in the district that takes away recess for missed homework assignments. Don’t forget they get to enjoy SILENT LUNCH in this school as well—not when they misbehave either, but everyday—school policy. I’m gathering all my thoughts for IEP accommodations and writing down many suggestions you all have given me a long the way. This has to come to a conclusion soon or I think I may need to petition the school district to change his school, which I really did not want to do.
Wow—I need to go do something else for a while; I am obsessing.
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For a start I think the homework tasks and expectations are a bit onerous for a nine year old! Regardless of any difficulties he might be having. I really feel for him having to go through this. As one who can’t get his sh*t together either… I empathise.
I am categorically against homework 🙂
Your boy’s experience and teacher reminds me so much of my third grade experience and teacher, in the worst ways possible. Do you know any of the other kids in his class? Could you ask them how he’s treated in class? It could be just what you’re aware of, but if he’s that upset getting home at the end of the day, I’d worry about teacher bullying.
I had a bully for a teacher in third grade. She would provoke me to misbehaving and then punish me for doing so (like purposefully squealing the chalk when she realized that made me yelp so she could send me to the office for “being a distraction”). She would punish me for finishing my work early by making me sit and do nothing (something I still am unable to do at 26) and then punish me when I inevitably moved or yawned or started doodling in my notebook out of boredom or read ahead or what have you. She would make fun of me in front of the whole class. She would set me up for failure (like sending me on an errand, then explaining an assignment to the class and refusing to repeat the explanation to me, and then when I did it incorrectly, punishing me for making a mistake). She would encourage other kids to hit me and turn a blind eye when I was bullied. I remember one time, a kid was stabbing me repeatedly with a compass from a math set right in front of her and I looked at her and said, “Will you tell him to stop?” and she replied that she didn’t see anything. This after she yelled at me and took away my recess for getting up and running across the classroom to get away from him.
I couldn’t eat my lunch in a cafeteria setting (too chaotic – another thing I still can’t do at 26. Chaos and noise spike my anxiety, which kills my appetite), so for my first three years in school, my parents had the school let me eat lunch in a quiet room. This teacher told my parents she was watching me in the quiet room when she sent me to the cafeteria, so that I couldn’t finish my lunch in time for recess and then she’d either keep me in for recess because I had to learn to eat faster or throw the rest of my lunch away because I had to learn that I wouldn’t be given special allowances to take longer to eat. Pointing out that her actions were inconsistent and made no sense to me earned me an in-school suspension, where I was stuck in an isolation room all day.
Here’s the thing: I was so miserable in the classroom that the isolation room was a welcome relief, and then I would purposefully misbehave enough to get an in-school suspension, just so I could get away from her and the other bullies.
Stuff like that.
So I got in fist fights on the playground and threw stuff at home and was very angry and often had meltdowns at home and my parents and the school blamed me for all of it. I was gifted, you see, so I could be good and fit in if I wanted to and that I wasn’t being good or fitting in meant I obviously wanted to get in trouble and get yelled at all the time and have the other kids beat me up and make fun of me. I obviously just needed to try harder at being more organized and following the rules.
I see shades of 8-year-old me in your son’s reaction to his school, and if my gut is right, I really think a change of school would be the best solution if it’s possible. Because that teacher screwed up the rest of my time in that school – by enabling bullies on the playground and badmouthing me to the other teachers so they were biased against me and so on and so forth.
My goodness, I can relate to this in every way. We are lucky to have a caring and understanding school staff, but I still have to prod them from time to time. The problem is, even with people who do want to help, there is no *understanding* and little or no *empathy* for students or parents in this situation :o(
Wow, this is stunning. It is so sad that the teacher seems to not give a shit about your son. I can’t read the response because it’s a picture and I’m blind, but I don’t see how losing recess will help with forgetting to turn in homework if it has been done. I mean, if he forgets to do his homework, I can see how he needs to do it during recess. Even then there should be a max on losing recess. If he forgets or loses his homework on the way to school, what is it going to help him with? The natural consequence means he needs to look real good and maybe he needs extra reminders, and maybe the teacher should be writing you to make sure he did his homework (to prevent excuses).
Besides, doesn’t this teacher realize that this is not just bad behavior, but a real disability? You can’t make a disability go away with punishmetn and I disagree with the idea that kids with disabilities need to learn to adapt because the world won’t adapt to them. Well, to some extent this is true but there are anti-discrimination laws for a reason.
My experience with the schools is that without an IEP in place no teacher, not even one, will make any special changes for a child–but my experience was also that even with an IEP in place, not one teacher I met would make any changes for that student.
I came up through public schools, and had nice people as teachers, but I didn’t need any special treatment. I managed on my own. I also gained the bulk of my education at the public library and NOT at school.
Then I had my special needs child. LD and GIFTED. That experience of the school system was ALL BAD. It was so bad that mine would sneak out of the school and go read novels at the library. Apparently if your chosen reading material is higher level nobody questions your presence. My kid was so miserable that in school suspension was preferred to being in class. My kid hit the age where it was legal to drop out and refused to return, took the GED and is now in college.
I home school my younger ones. It is the ONLY way I have found to get my child the education needed while doing remedial for problem areas and letting the gifted areas fly ahead.
Even thinking about what my kid went through with the schools gets me very very upset. What is more, even when we did what needed doing with testing and IEP’s, the result was still nothing good, no helps, nothing but attitude from the teachers and the administrators were simply hateful to us.
I have not voted in favor of a single school funding proposal since. Nor will I! They had their chance to win me to their support and they did wrong by my child. NEVER.
Been there, been there, been there!!! I have been communicating back and forth with both my son’s teacher and principal over the last few days, for different reasons than this (this time) but boy is this familiar. Why do they refuse to believe that our kid’s brains work differently and insist that they be made to fit a square peg in a round hole?! What good does it do to punish a child further for something they are already frustrated over? This is clearly a power struggle/trip on the teacher’s part, in fact I might argue that there is something going on there with her inability to be flexible and see that a child is struggling here. I will be most happy for your son and you when he gets his IEP in place, best thing that ever happened to my son and his public school experience! I eventually demanded an evaluation and an IEP be put in place. Have you considered talking to the superintendent? I went over everyone’s head after getting blown off numerous times and started sending emails to our superintendent, it lead to the early retirement of our former principal and my son’s first grade teacher. I know that probably makes me sound like a witch but I believe in results and do not ever mess with my children.
you are obsessing. but there are parents out there who dont do anything like this for their kids. so pat yourself on the back. you’ve got enough going on, but you’re fighting for your kid. you rock!
i would just get him in a different school if thats an option. obviously its not a good fit and if you have a choice, go! up here we wouldnt have a choice, but im glad i chose homeschooling. im not saying you should try that because that involves a lot (i know you’re kinda doing it with teen) but man. what a horrible system. just shameful.
I already told Hubby that if they do not give me what I want (especially, the punishments gone, recess everyday, etc.) then we are changing schools. I am still thinking that maybe changing teachers may not be a bad idea since he is already distrustful of the ones he has. I hate this for him!
Oh and BTW so terribly obsessing…now I am waking up in the night and obsessing, not a good sign.
Hi,
This makes me so-o-o sad. I have been following your posts for awhile. I taught school in Georgia for about 23 years. General ed. And Sp. Ed. Elementary and Middle School. My daughter is non verbal and needs 24/7 assistance in everything. She has to be fed and toileted also, but she is autistic with mild cp. She is now 20 and I was encouraged to retire because my kindness to my students was perceived as babying them b/c I did the kind of things you are requesting for your son. Now I did work for some administrators who told teachers we could not take recess, but it was unbelievable to me how many teachers disobeyed administration on this policy. It sounds like your son’s principal supports the no recess policy. I will say it is hard for the principal because the teachers will gang up to have them booted or sue them, but if enough parents have the same problem with it as you do then it might change. My husband did not get satisfaction from the school so he used to camp out at the BOE and wait to see the superintendent. Needless to say he is well known throughout the county, but he was able to get a full time aide and a classroom change for our daughter. I lasted 12 years after that working in the same county as my daughter, but it was hard even now she is 20 yrs. Old and still goes to school and i know they talk a good game but don’t really follow through, but i have made it very clear that they better not lose her, which has happened more than once in the past. They may not teach her but they better not hurt her. Anyway, best of luck!
Perhaps, as my husband says the squeaky wheel gets greased. He also tells them that he is not going to go quietly into the night. And he doesn’t so ….. He also said they may not like him but they will respect him esp. Since he is fighting for his child. I wish I could help you but just make sure you get what you want in the IEP. The teacher still may not comply but if you find out that is against the law. Back when i was researching for my child there was a Mother’s From Hell website you might see if it is still up and running. 🙂 Brooke’s Mom
Dealing with these schools is so exhausting and time consuming, and for me I go into obsession mode and can’t accomplish anything. Drives me crazy. I agree with your husband though, the squeaky wheel often gets the grease, and if you don’t MAKE them do what they are supposed to–often they will not.