Writing Helps Lift the Clouds
How my anger has helped…
I’ve noticed that I have a limited range of intense emotions. An over-simplification would be to stay that I feel happy, sad, or angry. Anger is usually my ruling emotion. What I believe is happening, is that life’s complex emotions are not processing as others would expect. When I cannot express them, it results in feelings of anger.
Frustration = Anger
Sorrow = Anger
Despair = Anger
Discouragement = Anger
Injustice = Anger
Hurt = Anger
Loneliness = Anger
Do you see a pattern here? Lately, I’ve been evaluating what is making me so angry all the time. I’ve even been considering visiting a new york psychotherapist to help control my anger, but I haven’t got round to booking an appointment yet. I just want to feel happy again. I’ve been trying to pinpoint what’s causing my anger… My answer: feeling lonely and helpless.
Being lonely has been a defining factor of my life. I can’t recall a time-ever, when I didn’t feel alone, even surrounded by a crowd of people. Or, especially surrounded by a crowd of people.
This lead to constant destructive thinking. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be happy? It has been something I could not wrap my head around to understand.
In a crowd of people, no-one understood me, no-one really knew me, or what went on inside my head. Oh, they thought they knew me, but they did not.
When I tried to share my feelings, no-one understood. Some of the most hurtful and damaging things that have been said to me came from “friends.” These “friend’s” words stuck with me, so I learned to stop sharing my feelings.
Being constantly overloaded by the children’s noise levels, does not mean I don’t love them, or that I should not have anymore children! Feeling overwhelmed, depressed, and in despair does not mean that I don’t want to be a mother anymore! And damn it, if I could just “pick myself up by my boot straps” and “snap out of it,” don’t you think I would have?
Yes-all of these things and worse have been said to me by “friends.” Could this be why I now don’t have any?
I spent a lifetime blaming myself for not being understood, or feeling guilty and feeling like I was a horrible person because “people would love to have my life.”-more garbage spewed at me, which only increased the isolation and loneliness, and fed my self-loathing.
ANGER, ANGER, ANGER, AND MORE ANGER-USING WORDS TO FEEL LESS HELPLESS
Being undiagnosed for many years, and misdiagnosed for many more, I had no way of understanding myself. No-way to answer the question, why? Life was hopeless, I was helpless, and I AM angry!
Yesterday’s anger at the doctor’s office fueled my determination to “do something” about it. But-what can I really do? Write.
In the short time I have been here writing online, I have felt empowered. If I can do nothing else to fight the injustice, or get out of my circumstance, I can write about it. Maybe even write big warts onto my enemies noses and kill off the characters in my stories.
I didn’t realize at the time that feeling a little less helpless, made me feel a little less depressed. Nor did I realized that being surrounded by a crowd of people is not want I needed. All I need is to be surrounded by a few who understand me, agrees with me, or just says, “hey, you’re not alone.” Just a few simple words can begin to life that cloud of loneliness. It amazes me how much a different in a day a few comments, or a few kind words from strangers (now my virtual friends) can make and how uncaring callous words from loved ones can slice your flesh so deeply that scars can be seen for a lifetime.
Why in the world do we teach our children that,
“Sticks and stones can break my bones,
But names will never hurt me?”
Baloney! This is a big fat lie. I cannot remember the pain of broken childhood bones, but those hurtful words…they are still painful thirty years later.
Words are powerful! They empower us, built us up, or completely tear us down!
I hate being angry all the time, and I am working on that. But, this time at least I am glad that I was angry enough to rant about it, and you all were kind enough to listen. It has made a world of a difference.
I have felt many of the same feelings and have learned that so do many other ‘normal’ people. Its just that many learn to suppress or ignore it. We are basically all the same. We have evolved to live on a rock in the middle a vast nowhere called space. We appear different but study the behavior of the multitudes and realize we all very similar stuff. You are doing the right thing by writing you will explore and when you explore you enlighten yourself… and that is where I have got to. the journey is not over because now I want to help others who feel the same 🙂
This is me, you are not alone. I bet we could talk for days :’)
God I just read this and I am cryin.@i never cry but I guess I’m getting in touch with the feelings that I have been so unable to acess Thanks for Sharing I love all you guys so muchh your blogs give me life !
Thank you Anon. I am glad that you are enjoying reading. The whole reason I have began to blog is to find other people like me and not feel so entirely alone.
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seriously you and i could be the same person. once again, your post could have easily have been written by me. seriously. my heart is exactly like yours. my mind is just the same. YOU are not alone. this is amazing stuff. just amazing. i wish i could literally have every single person who knows me read this. just. amazing.
Send it to them! 🙂 Make them read it, and maybe, just maybe we can make some others understand us. That is what I am hoping anyway.
When I was learning about my diagnosis and discovering more things about myself (usually by reading what others have gone through), I constantly sent what I was reading, books, article, blog posts, to my husband for him to read as well.
I seem to have extreme difficulty talking about things, especially when they are important to me emotionally. So, I make him read them. According to hubby, this has really helped him to understand me better.
Even now, I don’t tell him these things. I write a blog post (like this one) and then send it to him. Many times, even now, there are things that I write about that he never knew.
But as helpful as that has been, finding others to talk to, who struggle in the same way, has helped even more. Thank you so much for that.
Jeannie
I can relate to that! You have to make yourself enjoy doing things for yourself. It’s a good exercise to ask yourself again and again: What do I like?
I’ve gotta tell ya though the asking-yourself-part is the easiest to train and the guilt-thing is the hardest to leave behind!
Good luck!
The anger will become less and less intense once you start to realise what it is YOU really need. You are important! Sending lots of good thoughts your way!
Thanks so much for your kind words. It is funny, while hubby and I were driving in the car today, we were talking about how I feel like I don’t know what I need, want, or really like. It occurred to me that when I ask myself, what do you like to do? What do you enjoy? What do you like to eat? etc… many times I really don’t know the answer. I think I’ve spent so much time “pretending” or putting others ahead of me, that I don’t even know myself. But now the challenge is not only trying to find out what it is that I need, but trying to stop feeling guilty about thinking about what it is I need.
But–at least now I am working on it. 🙂